20 Things I Never Would Have Known If I Didn’t Have Children

1) To prevent baby theft, hospitals assign secret code bracelets to babies and parents that must be matched and confirmed before you can take your child home.  True story.

2) Dora is always cooler when Diego visits, and vice versa.

3) All of the lyrics to every song by the Doodlebops, the Imagination Movers, and Ralph’s World.

4) Indian-Style is now called Criss-Cross-Applesauce.

5) One small plate of food can literally cover every surface of an area the size of a small apartment.

6) Children sometimes eat every other day, or even every three days, and this is fine.

7) The laws of gravity do not apply to poop.

8) Canadian television has some really weird children’s shows, most of them involving a robot of some sort.

9) It is possible to survive on three hours of sleep a night.

10) Movie ratings actually matter.

11) Gender tropes are stupid and arbitrary.

12) Bugs are the most amazing creatures on the planet.

13) Clothing sizes mean nothing.  Nothing!

14) Everyone else is parenting just slightly wronger than you.

15) There is nothing more instantly rage-inducing/soul-crushing than someone criticizing your parenting.

16) You can’t make anyone eat anything.

17) I am capable of touching far grosser things than I ever thought possible.

18) Phineas and Ferb is, perhaps, the greatest cartoon of all time, to be savored when the children are away or sleeping.

19) Cats are toys.

20) Parenting is equal parts terror, frustration, joy, screwing up, and love, often within a five minute period.

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