Accompanist’s Invoice for Lessons

So my one of my accompanists recently gave me this invoice for playing voice lessons.  I’m not sure if they were kidding or not, but they said I had to fill it out.  Also that I owed them some back payments.  There seem to be a lot of hidden charges here.  Perhaps they once worked for Comcast?  Or perhaps this is necessary because no one will give health insurance to an accompanist.  I don’t know.  Although after reading it through, it does seem pretty fair.  And as an added benefit, singers salaries will start going up, since the cost of voice lessons will go through the roof.  That’s how it works, right?  Right?

Accompanist’s Invoice Per Lesson

Basic Fee with the Following Essentials Included $19.99 prepaid 24 hours prior
Ten fingers and two feet
Being a collaborative partner
Part of the creative process
Breathing with the singer
Attempting to play right notes, harmonies, rhythms
Support with the right balance at the keyboard
Being on the alert, knowing when/where to start
Following the text
Listening and smiling
Showing love and warmth
Arriving on time and leaving on time
Arriving with clean hands shoes/socks/feet

Transportation Fees TBD

Special Request Surcharges
Cuing entrances – $.29/cue
Singing cues and other vocal lines while sight reading – $.59/page
Providing translation – $.99/minute
Playing during warmup instead of emailing, texting, eating, drinking, bathrooming, gossiping on facebook, etc. – $4.99/lesson
Pretending to stay awake in the eleventh hour – $4.99/lesson
Excessive repetition of a passage(more than 10x) resulting in possible repetitive stress syndrome – $4.99/passage
Staying calm while the singer has a nervous breakdown – $4.99/breakdown
Teaching notes to singers by playing the vocal line along with the accompaniment – $9.99/song
C clef reading (archaic scores) – $9.99/song
Expected to play every note and cue from Bärenreiter (or the equivalent) scores – $9.99/song
Sight reading cacophony – unreadable contemporary music – $9.99/song
Transposing while sight reading – $9.99/song
Inventing rubato to accommodate – $14.99/lesson
Improvising or playing from memory due to missing music, possibly leading to post-lesson nightmares – $49.99/song
Dressing up (laundry fees, cost of dress, etc.) – $49.99

Penalties
Playing from a heavily marked score – $.09/page
Playing from all single-sided copies, thus increasing the risk of paper cuts – $.09/page
Overtime, resulting in lateness for or cancellation of next appointment – $.49/minute
Playing from loose xerox sheets – $.99/page
Picking up falling pages while playing – $4.99/page
Playing from books that won’t stay open to the right page – $9.99/page
Poor heat or air conditioning (thawing, water, and medicinal charges apply) – $499
Inappropriate bench/chair (i.e. office chair) and/or awkward bench/chair position, possibly resulting in physical therapy – $999
Poor lighting or music with poor ink, possibly resulting in glasses/eye tests/vision correction – $999
Singing directly into the accompanist’s ears, possibly resulting in hearing loss – $9,999
Abuse or getting yelled at, possibly resulting in permanent psychological damage –$99,999

TOTAL
More than you can afford

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Posted in Humor, Music, Singing, Voice Lessons.

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