Baby Names for the Eviler or Stupider

I really thought I was done with these posts, but it turns out that there are even more ways to mess up your children, name-wise, than I had originally thought.  I’m pretty sure this will be the last post of it’s kind here at Tenordad.com, even if you keep sending me more names that you hate.  Honestly, I’m ok with naming all of your children with the same first letter.   Yes, the Duggars took it too far, but  in moderation it can be cute.  I am also absolutely accepting alliteration.  Mandy Moore, you are fine by me.

No, to be truly evil or stupid in the naming of your children, you must do something that will at some point cause them a problem in life, and annoying other people on the internet does not count.  That being said, here are the final ways that you can ensure future distress for your children via their names:

11) Naming all of Your Children the Same Thing
“Did I ever tell you that Mrs. McCave had twenty-three sons, and she named them all Dave?”  Thus begins a cautionary tale by the late, great Dr. Seuss, which explains better than I ever could why it is a bad idea to name all of your children the same thing.  I’ll bet there were a lot of awkward silences when this poem was read at the George Foreman household at bedtime.


12) Giving Your Child the Same First Name as Their Last Name
This is apparently not self-explanatory, as I have run into more than one person whose parents actually did the unthinkable and named them something like “Michael Michaels” or “Jeff Jefferson.”  Are these parents afraid that their child will be too stupid to remember two names?  More likely it is the parents who are too stupid to remember two names.  I’m sorry Fred Frederickson, but there’s nothing you can do now.  The worst part is, generally last names that resemble first names are masculine (thanks a lot, history!), so you can’t even change it when you get married!  Not a lot of “Jane Janeson”s out there.  Although in a case where two wrongs might make a right, you could always try out number thirteen on my list…

13) Giving Your Children Names of the Opposite Gender
Ok, look, I know that some names do change gender over time, like Lindsay or Stacey, but why be a pioneer?  Pioneer life sucks.  You live at the edge of a frontier and either get made fun of, or eaten by a bear.  Let’s let Sue stay a girl’s name, no matter what Johnny Cash song you have heard the title of, but not listened through all the way to the end of.  Unisex names are fine, but if you really are sure you are having a girl and want to name her Ruby, because you are a big fan of my blog, and it turns out to be a boy after all, for the love of all that is holy please choose a different name.  I will forgive you.  Edward is a fine name for a boy.

14) Adding a Letter to a Real Name to Make a New Name
True story, when we lived just outside of DC about ten years ago, our building manager’s name was Tangela.  Some days I just wanted to call her Angela, and some days I confused her with a small orange fruit.  Either way, it was upsetting.  I felt that this had to be addressed separately from the “just making up a new name” category, lest you think that you are not really making up a new name if you use a pre-existing name as your base.  Let me be crystal clear here: Amanda is a name.  Famanda is not a name.  That is something you made up, even though it kind of sounds like a name.  Other names that you made up and are not really real include Tiffanique, Bevelyn, Angina, and Sqursula.

15)  Letting Your Toddler Name Your New Baby
Actually, this goes not only for babies, but for anything.  We got a cat from a toddler named “Eyeball.”  My nieces wanted desperately to name their new baby brother “Princess.”  Ruby has already named her unconceived baby sister “Pirate Boat.”  Do you see where I am going with this?  The main problem with toddlers, is that they have not read my blog, and thus have no idea what is and is not a good name for a baby.  Or a cat.  Therefore, it follows that they should not be allowed to name their siblings.  When your toddler has a baby of their own, they can name it whatever they want.  The beauty of this plan, is that by the time they have a baby of their own, they will most likely not be toddlers anymore, and so will have read my blog.  Other possible names for babies that my own personal toddler has come up with are “Pineapple Underpants,” “La la blah wah wakka bing bangy blup blup purple head,” and “Super Mario.”

Baby Names for the Evil or Stupid

More Baby Names for the Evil or Stupid

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3 Comments

  1. I went to college with a Christopher whose middle name was Robin. His then five year old sister got to pick his middle name.

  2. Pingback: Baby Names for the Evil or Stupid | Tenor Dad

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