You may or may not have heard this, but apparently New York is infested with bedbugs. These are horrible little creatures that feed on human flesh, and can sense heat and carbon dioxide, so they come at you when you are sleeping. They live in wood, mattresses, electronics, and pretty much anywhere they want. They can climb through outlets, along the wires, in between apartments, so if one person has them, the whole building is next.

They are in movie theaters and hotels, and there is no escaping them. The authorities are telling us to wear raincoats to the movies and to wash everything we own in super hot water. Also, bedbugs can live for years without food, so even old closed up places could be infested.

Obviously we have a lot to learn from this clearly superior species. I would love the ability to go for two years without having to eat, and being able to live practically anywhere could come in very handy I would think. Maybe instead of always trying to kill them, we should be sending tiny diplomats to meet with them and try to discover their secrets. Are there any bugs that we are on good terms with? Maybe butterflies. But, maybe they are too big. Oh, I know, ladybugs! Let’s send a delegation of ladybugs to negotiate a truce with the bedbugs. We could build them an embassy full of beds and unproductive humans to eat (members of congress, Derek Jeter, etc.). I’m sure that together we can forge a lasting peace between New Yorkers and bedbugs. And if not, I guess we can just call the exterminators.

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