Can You Spot Every Pop Culture Reference in this Epic Wedding Speech?

This weekend I had the honor of officiating my first wedding for my dear friend Captain Kreph, and her now-husband Vat. I had no idea, but apparently you can get a one-time wedding officionado certificate from the state that allows you to perform one specific wedding. And so that’s what I did. But I knew that my introduction, my homily if you will, was going to have to be epic. I mean seriously, they sent me their vows and their ring ceremony, and here is a sample:

Vat: You are the Keymaster to my Gatekeeper. I promise to always seek to have you back in my arms, after any time or distance apart.

Kreph: I promise that if a strange man in a blue police box tries to take me away, I will insist that you tag along.

Vat: I promise that you will always have my sword.

Kreph: And you will always have my bow.

Wedding Party (Chorus of Nerds:) AND MY AXE!

So you see I was going to have to somehow seamlessly work in as many references as I could, while still maintaining something of a sweet and romantic flow. Which I think I did, despite the maniacal laughter in the middle. Want to win first prize? See if you can spot all of the references in the ceremony. And no Googlecheating.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life. Electric word, life. It means forever and that’s a mighty long time, But I’m here to tell you, there’s something else:

Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togethew today. Mawwiage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam.

Now, I grew up with Kreph, but I have only recently spent time with the Vat half of the relationship, so I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

But Kreph, having seen you with Vat, I know that he is your density. I mean your destiny.

From the moment you met I think you realized, not all treasure’s silver and gold, mate.

You were together a month later and have spent the past 8 years figuring out if you wanted to get to today. Because this is a big deal. I mean, You don’t just walk up to a girl, hand her a bouquet and say, “Hey, remember me? We were kids together. Will you marry me?” No. It just isn’t done that way.

You need to know, and I mean KNOW, in your hearts, if this is going to work out. Because with great marriage comes great responsibility.

And so you embarked on this journey together, Krephanie attempting to play Mario Kart without killing anyone, and Vatrick subjecting himself to the whims of the fuzzy, but slightly evil, Marley. Yes, love makes you do the wacky.

Vat was lucky to have survived the cat, and luckier still to have found someone to share his life with. And Kreph is just as lucky. You’re lucky, he’s lucky, I’m lucky, we’re all lucky! Ha ha ha…

Because Vat is great. Some men just want to watch the world burn. Vat just wants to finish boss school at Penn State, save Hyrule, and be your groupie.

But marriage. Wow. In general, nobody thinks it will work, do they?

No, and I  just described every great success story.

Because it doesn’t matter if the guy is perfect or the girl is perfect, as long as they are perfect for each other.

And this fox and this hound truly are.

So let’s have a wedding. It’s exciting isn’t it? I’ve heard that an Isle la Motte wedding without at least three deaths is considered a dull affair.

I will just give you one piece of advice to start you off on your way.

Marriage is a lot like flying, and do you know what the first rule of flying is? Well I s’pose you do, since you already know what I’m ’bout to say.

Love. Can know all the math in the ‘verse but take a boat in the air that you don’t love? She’ll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she oughtta fall down…tells you she’s hurtin’ ‘fore she keens…makes her a home.

There’s a lot of things you need to get across this universe. Warp drive… wormhole refractors… You know the thing you need most of all? You need a hand to hold. Hold hands. That’s what you’re meant to do. Keep doing that and don’t let go. That’s the secret.

But why am I talking so much? I’m sick of this! I don’t give a damn who it is, but I’m going to marry SOMEbody today!

And so, My dearest friends, If you don’t mind,  I’d like to join you side by side, And you could gaze into the stars, And sit together now and forever, For it is plain as anyone could see, You’re simply meant to be.

Do you have the rings?
Now please roll for initiative.

It was at this point that I took two D6 out of my pocket and had the bride and groom roll to see who would get their ring first. They actually both rolled 5s, but I decided that brides get +1 forward on all wedding rolls, and so Kreph got hers as they read what I had posted above. They read their vows, I read something they asked me to read, and I ended with:

And so, by the power of Greyskull, temporarily vested in me by the State of Vermont, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Be excellent to each other. You may now kiss the groom.

So what do you think? Too nerdy? Not nerdy enough? Are you upset that I didn’t manage to squeeze Star Wars in there? Well too bad, I didn’t need to, because they recessed to the throne room music from A New Hope. Now start proving your geek cred and spot those references!

(And congratulations Kreph and Vat once again. We’ll dissect the aftermath of the wedding in a future post. 😉 Have a good life!)

Posted in Wedding.

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