Life. It’s the Worst.

Yes, yes, I know.  Do not be discouraged.  Life is also the best sometimes too.  And I agree.  But right now, it is the worst.  I am the worst.  Everything is the worst. Yesterday afternoon, as I was yelling at my son to put his boots on, he had a seizure.  We were running late […]

The Bubba Fairy

When Ruby was two and addicted to pacifiers, or “Binkies” as she called them, we informed her that the Binky Fairy was going to be coming to take all of them away one night, but that the Binky Fairy would be leaving her an exciting present.  “Now Tenor Dad,” I can hear you saying, “are […]

Is it Better to Battle or Bitterly Buckle?

Is it better to battle or bitterly buckleWhen faced with an obstinate boy?If they pick a position that’s perfectly polar,Like “Floors are the best place for toys?” They’ll shudder, shake, shriek, shiver, shimmy, and screech,And on one hand you want to attack.But continuing conflict can cause cranky crashing,So maybe just take a step back? Loving […]

I Traded My Children For Puppies

I was not aware that I had traded my children for dogs, but I woke up one morning and it had just happened.  Two young dogs came scampering down the stairs, barking and trying to lick me.  I explained that this was very gross and they had better not do that anymore.  “Woof,” they said. […]

When the Magic is Gone

Magic always comes with a price.  This was never more evident to me than yesterday, as I took my children in search of some horrible thing that they had seen on television.  If you do not own a television, then you are smart and do not know what I am talking about, but if you […]

Lies I Tell My Children

Just a minute. You don’t want to get wet. I’m not going to tell you again. You won’t like that. We don’t say that word in this house. I don’t care what the other kids are doing. Five more minutes. You don’t want to break your sister’s toys. I don’t know where your whistle is. […]

Bad Parenting Confession

I have a confession to make.  My three year old still drinks out of a baby bottle.  Every night.  And every morning.  And whenever else I need him to be quiet.  I know.  I KNOW!  It’s bad for his teeth.  It’s bad overall.  There is nothing in any literature anywhere expressing the point of view […]

How to Shop With Your Kids

Look, let’s be honest here.  Shopping with kids can be, to put it mildly, a trying experience.  Aside from the fact that they want to buy everything in every store, they also want to push the cart, and ride in the cart, and ride on the cart, and run around like maniacs.  And you can’t […]

I Will NOT Fork his Noodle!

Did you ever have a conversation in a public place that, upon further reflection, might sound weird taken out of context to the people around you?  And have you ever had one of those conversations at top volume at dinner time in a busy restaurant?  I know I have.  Last night, actually.  I was trying […]

I Just Gave a Time-Out to a Camel Puppet

So it’s come to this.  All of my decisions and life experiences, which I thought were involved in making me into a rational and capable human being, have led me to this moment in time.  I just gave a time-out to a camel puppet. To be fair, the camel puppet was acting like a jerk.  […]