Jalapeños are Life Before Kids – Parenting is a Ghost Pepper

Have you ever been to a restaurant with someone with just zero tolerance for spicy food? They won’t order the jalapeño poppers because they are “too hot?” Meanwhile, you are pouring Frank’s Red Hot onto everything, including your water, just so it will have some flavor at all? What wimps those people are! Ha ha! They […]

Betrayed By My Body

Look body, we had a deal. I leave you alone, and you leave me alone. My soul was never thrilled about being tethered to this mortal plane to begin with, and there is no reason for either of us to make things difficult. And we never seemed to have an issue in the past, so […]

Parenting is Like Working at Five Guys

I sat at the small, greasy table a few feet from the counter, checking Facebook on my phone. This is the table that no one ever sits at unless they are waiting for a “to-go” order, or unless there are no other tables available. And I, like so many others at the table before me, […]

The Power of “More”

Our dinner last included rice. There was exactly enough for everyone to have what they wanted, and yet when I was serving it I left about a third of my son’s portion in the pot. When we sat down at the table he immediately gobbled up all of his rice, as I knew he would, […]

Stomach Small, Belly Large

When I was younger, and not that much younger, I could eat pretty much anything I wanted. Now, I don’t mean that in a “could eat many calories and not get fat,” or “could eat spicy things without heartburn” kind of way. No, I just mean that it all just…fit. Sure, I would sometimes get indigestion, […]

No Dessert Until You Eat Your Junk Food!

For any household to run properly, there must be rules. There must be order, or else we slip into the void of chaos so gleefully brought upon by our children. We set up systems that are designed to keep our kids healthy and safe, and then we demand, to the point of idiocy, that these […]

Giving Up in the Face of Adversity

I’m not doing it this time. I’m not going to be beaten by myself. It would be very easy, of course. In the past, oh so many times, I have set goals for myself that I have abandoned at the first sign of trouble. You might say that it is my pattern to establish new […]

The Adventures of Freddy the Frog the Fly

“What are you talking about?” I mumbled to my children over my burrito. I had been half paying attention to the muted tv screen high on the far wall, and half paying attention to what was happening at the table, but I wanted to increase my parenting points so I made a clumsy effort to […]

There is No Terror Like a Lost Child

There a lot of things to be afraid of in life. Some things are good, healthy fears, like the fear of fire or speeding cars. Most of our fears are stupid though, and we know this. We are lied to, tricked, and manipulated every day by businesses, politicians, the media, and whomever else has something […]

In Which I Try To Cook a Lobster and/or it Escapes

It was school vacation. The children were at my mother’s. My wife had to work late. The perfect opportunity for a grand romantic gesture! What could I do for my amazing life partner? I know! I could make her a nice dinner, the likes of which has never been seen at our house before! I […]