Everything I Know About Parenting I Learned From Opera

1) Kids love to hide in crazy places – Do not violently kill anyone in a sack down by the river without first checking to see if your child may have hidden in the sack. 2) Children need to be protected from the harsh realities of life – If you are going to kill yourself, […]

Opera Limericks

TOSCACavaradossi did sendFor Tosca, his, ummm, “special friend.”But Scarpia came,And his loins were aflame,So everyone died in the end. DIE ZAUBERFLOTE There once was a prince named TaminoWho was tricked by a high-singing queen-o.But Sarastro was wise,Helped him see through her liesBy the end of the first act, third scene-o. RIGOLETTO The Duke was a […]

The Top Fifteen Signs You Might Be an Opera Singer

1) Friends and family are always asking you to identify any aria played in a movie or commercial. 2) You know what a “Neti Pot” is. 3) You speak many languages, but can only say things like “My last breath will be yours, my beloved,” and “This picture is bewitchingly beautiful.” 4) If you have […]

10 Ways That Children Are Different From Operas

1) Operas only seem like they last 18 years. 2) Children are cheaper to produce. 3) Nobody ever said “Don’t make me turn this car around!” to an opera. 4) No one is appropriately impressed when they ask your profession and you say “My children.” 5) Operas like to sleep late. 6) Most Americans have […]

How Fat Should Opera Singers Be?

We all know the saying.  It ain’t over till the fat lady sings.  “It” being the opera, and “the fat lady” being the lead soprano, who often closes out the show with some singing, generally while also dying.  So this linguistic cliche of ours teaches us that opera singers are fat, but lately that hasn’t […]

Top Opera Names For Other Pets

I recently re-posted my “Top Opera Names For Pets” on Facebook, and it was pointed out to me that I left out some important pet-type animals from my list.  Sorry.  Let me fix that for you right now.  And if I still missed your personal best creature friend, please fill out the requisite forms and […]

How Being a Parent is the Same as Being an Opera Singer

1) One of your main goals is to be louder than everyone else in the room. 2) Late nights, quick naps, and inconsistent sleeping patterns, 3) Everything you do is critiqued, loudly and angrily, by a small tyrant. 4) You are required to communicate in languages that you do not understand fluently. 5) When your […]

It Was All Downhill After I Broke the Toilet

Ah, November.  The season of auditions and thankfulness.  It seems like I am in New York auditioning more than I am home these days, but if you want the gigs, you have to do the auditions.  I was back in the city yesterday for yet another one, but it didn’t go as well as I […]

I Want My Audition Fee Back

Auditions are funny things.  You never know quite what to expect, because the auditions are really just extensions of the companies themselves, each with their own flavor and personality.  Sometimes you will be singing in front of a panel of several professional-looking, stone-faced auditors, and other times you will be alone in a room with […]

Things That Make No Sense

Skaters wearing baggy pants halfway to their ankles – I mean, of all the people who might want sagging jeans, people who are trying to do tricks on skateboards ought to be last on that list!  If I were trying to slide down a railing on a thin piece of board, I would probably want […]