How Donald Trump Tried to Ruin My Choir Rehearsal

It was tough last night, but I defeated Donald Trump. I apologize for even writing this, because he certainly doesn’t need any more attention or articles written about him, but the story must be told. I will keep it brief and then you can devote your time to reading about people who ought to be read about.

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that Donald Trump is a YUUUUUUUGE jerkwad who does not care about most other human beings, but normally he keeps his hatred and bigotry out of my personal space so I try to ignore him. But then, without provocation, he fired a warning shot straight across my choir rehearsal. He showed up in MY town, disrupting MY business and MY job. Mr. Trump, this is war.

Now, obviously just showing up in town is nothing to be upset about. Famous people show up here all the time. Bill Murray loves to eat at Al’s. I hung out with Maggie Gyllenhaal at burger night one time. None of this prevents me from holding my choir rehearsals. But Wednesday night I was informed by Rev. Dark Murmurs that they were closing the roads downtown and I might want to consider cancelling the rehearsal.

Why were they closing the roads, you might ask? Well, it turns out that Mr. Trump handed out 20,000 tickets to a 1,400 seat theater, and when the city asked what plans existed for the overflow they were told “not our problem suckers, ha ha!” So the city, suddenly worried that 20,000 people were interested in what this guy had to say, started preparing for the Trumpocalypse. They should have had more faith in our citizens. I thought about cancelling my choir rehearsal, scheduled for the same time as the speech, and situated only 3 blocks away from it. Would my singers even be able to get to the church? Would they be able to get out again? Would they suddenly lose Christian empathy for others by being in such close proximity to a man who has shown no concern, not only for women, minorities, and other religions, but also, clearly, for the people of our city? But no, we needed to rehearse. I was not going to let Donald Trump, a man whose greatest contribution to our society is his House of Wings SNL sketch, ruin my choir rehearsal.

I took an early drive by theater at around 1:15 to scope things out. I saw tow trucks everywhere. They were not messing around. The line was down the block as dozens of people waited to get in, but it seemed well-handled by the city. This was a good sign. When I drove home again an hour later, the line had extended by several more blocks, but I could still drive by easily and I felt good about my decision to hold the rehearsal. The doors of the theater opened at 5, and at 6 pm I began to head back into the belly of the beast, wondering what I would find when I arrived.

What I found, was not much. The streets were pretty clear. I think most people, sensibly, stayed home. There ended up being around 2,000 people trying to get in to the theater, but many of them were kicked out of line by Trump’s goon squad for failing to pledge allegiance to The Donald. No, seriously, people in line were asked if they were Trump supporters, and if they said “no,” or even “I want to hear him speak before I make up my mind,” they were booted from the theater. No undecided voters for him. If you’re not with him, you’re against him. So they filled up the 1400 seats, and the people kicked out went to join the crowd of about 700 protesters across the street. And meanwhile, I started warm-ups.

My choir was very interested in talking about the event a few blocks away. They were generally disgusted by his actions, as every good human being should be, and many of them kept track of the event on their phones in between anthem run-throughs. We learned that a few protesting spies had managed to sneak into the theater anyway, and had attempted to disrupt the event. They had been thrown out, as one might expect, although less customary was Trump’s demand that security confiscate the protesters’ winter coats to teach them a lesson as they were tossed into the cold Vermont night. Luckily no one listens to Donald Trump, and also it was like 25 degrees out. We are having the warmest winter ever on record, thanks to climate change, and 25 degrees in January in Vermont is pretty much shorts and t-shirt weather.

One of our choir members informed us that he had invited Mr. Trump to join the choir for the evening, but the offer was declined due to a previous engagement down the street. I asked what part the presidential hopeful sang, and was told that he was a bass, but with out the “b.” This seemed true. I definitely hear a lot of bass coming out of his mouth, except without the “as.”

So we sang and we laughed, and everyone found a place to park, and 20,000 people did not show up to hear the lies and hatred that were being propagated a few buildings away. There were no unmanageable crowds, only three of my choir members decided to stay home to avoid the potential insanity, and the rest of us learned some new music that I think is going to sound very nice. To my city, I’m sorry that a big jerkface tried to come in and mess with you. But you did a fine job handling his provocations. And to my choir, thanks for breaking through the fear and showing up to sing with me. When faced with intolerance, spitefulness, hatred, and lies, I find that the best protest is to sing songs of inclusion and love. Our rehearsal was not ruined after all, and I couldn’t have done it without you.

Hilarious Image Credit: Daria Bishop

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Posted in Choir, Church, Music, Politics, Singing.


  1. from a friend in Mass.:
    Joe Wrinn: Trump would have thought the choir was stupid because three of the four parts weren’t even singing the melody…

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