Self-Righteously Cheap Wedding Themes

My friends Rumple Station and Tart Comma are getting married. Well, okay, they’re actually already married because, in true self-righteously cheap fashion, they had a secret state wedding over a year ago and didn’t tell anyone. But now that the cat is out of the bag, they have decided to hold an actual wedding. The problem was, when they googled “self-righteously cheap wedding themes,” nothing came up for them. I wish I was making this up. Anyway, I am here to solve that problem for these two love-birds, and all the other couples out there who are desperately googling this search term and finding nothing, because they are too cool to use Bing.

CHURCH BASEMENT

This is not only a location, but a bona fide theme. The cost is kept down because of the location, true, but also for many other reasons. This is a sort of a scavenger hunt of a wedding, which adds to the fun! So if you are not opposed to a little religion in your marriage, this might be the option for you!

Colors: Dingy off-white, stained robin’s egg blue, the backside of peeling paint

Food: Potluck; guests bring their own food, which saves tons of money

Flowers: Whatever is on the altar upstairs, left over from previous wedding/funeral

Place Settings: Church kitchen dishes, varying in themes from over the years

Favors: Expired hymnals from 1967

Cake: Multiple large sheet cakes, cut up and encased in Jell-o

Music: Live praise band playing parodies of church songs, such as “A-married Grace” and “Lord of the Chicken Dance”

COSTCO

If you want to be slightly more mainstream in your cheapness, head on over to Costco for your reception. You will want to get there early to put coats down on all of the tables in the food area to reserve the whole spot. And yeah, it will be a little loud there, but it’s worth it for the money you will save!

Colors: Red, White, Blue

Food: Hot dog and soda; bride and groom only have the option of sausage or chicken bake

Flowers: one hundred of the same exact flower for $9.99

Place settings: Napkins and paper plates

Favors: Two AA batteries, a granola bar, and a pair of socks for each guest

Cake: Oh yeah! You KNOW this is why you wanted this theme in the first place. Costco cake, baby!

Music: Classic lite rock from the 90’s heard faintly in the background

THRIFT SHOP

There is nothing more self-righteously cheap than shopping at a thrift shop for your wedding. And encourage your guests to do the same. Make sure they know that you will only accept second-hand gifts, and that they need to bring their own place settings. How quirky and fun!

Colors: Plaid, Wide orange and yellow stripes, kaleidoscope

Food: A buffet of soups and stews that each guest brings something to contribute to

Flowers: Picked from the road outside

Place settings: Each purchased from a different thrift shop by the individual guests

Favors: Guests choose something from a large bin of small items marked “25 cents FREE!”

Cake: Frosted brownies

Music: Cassette tapes of INXS and Bananarama

PUBLIC PARK

An outdoor wedding and reception can be very exciting! And cheap! And the more you remind people about how environmentally friendly you are being by not using a “building,” the more self-righteous you can be! I wouldn’t be spending money on the pavilion, but the picnic tables should be okay to use as long as they are made of splintering wood, and not plastic.

Colors: Green, Brown

Food: Cook-out

Flowers: Nature already brought the flowers! Unless it is winter. Do not get married in winter.

Place Settings: Eco-friendly, reusable, recycled-material settings brought by each guest

Favors: Bubbles from the dollar store, smooth rocks found on site, acorns

Cake: Homemade organic, vegan, gluten-free, sugar-free, carb-free, locally-sourced faux-carrot cake

Music: The soundtrack from “An Inconvenient Truth” blasted over a solar-powered boom box

VIRTUAL WEDDING

Why spend any money at all when you can host your wedding on Skype? Or just head over to Facebook Live and let the guests comment in real time! It’s like you are all really together, but nobody has to put on clothes or sit a table with strange weirdos! This is the best plan for the self-righteous couple on a budget.

Colors: Blue and white if on FB Live; white and blue if on Skype

Food: N/A

Flowers: Emoji flowers only

Place Settings: N/A

Favors: Likes, Loves, Retweets

Cake: N/A

Music: Spotify wedding playlist, ad-free because you signed up for the 30-day premium trial that you cancel as soon as the reception is over

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Posted in Humor, Money, Wedding.

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