Last Friday I went to my doctor and asked to be screened for ADHD. Well, my new doctor. My old doctor quit and went into sports medicine, which was fine with me because, honestly, I found him a little intimidating. The last thing I need is super good-looking doctor in great shape looking at my fat rolls and asking me how often I exercise. So anyway, I have this new doctor now, that they assigned to me, and he was the one I asked about my possible attention problems.
The first thing he did was look at me very suspiciously and ask why I thought I might be afflicted with this condition. So I spent twenty minutes and gave him the short version. Fooling around in school, never finishing tasks, trouble prioritizing, problems with SQUIRREL! That sort of thing. He looked me up and down skeptically and took a lot of notes. It felt great. Just like being in a voice jury or an audition.
What he said to me next surprised me. He told me that if I wanted to start taking medication that I would need to come in for monthly urine tests and that I should be aware that ADHD medications are highly controlled substances. Okay. Well, I didn’t know that, but that’s fine with me, I guess. He then informed me that all ADHD medications are stimulants, and they are used to make the illegal drug Ecstasy. Huh. Isn’t that interesting. I tried to laugh this off, since I really had no idea about any of that, but he just gave me a look that said something like “So, you want to start making ecstasy, eh?” It seemed like he got a lot of people coming in claiming to have ADHD, simply so they could start an illegal drug business of some sort.
I assured him that I only wanted the drugs because my brain was broken, so he wrote me a prescription on a piece of paper. These drugs can’t be ordered electronically either, he told me, due to their controlled nature, so I needed the paper. He informed me that attention and distraction are a spectrum, and this might help and it might not. But it never hurts to try right? What’s the worst that could happen? Psychosis, according to the side-effects list, but that probably won’t happen. I asked him how I would know if I did have psychosis, and he said “Your wife will let you know.”
I went over to the pharmacy with my paper, ready to get my mind altering drugs, when they informed me that the price was $105. For a month. “That is the generic brand,” they told me, when I almost passed out. I cannot afford $105 a month! I am not your normal type of customer who is more than going to make that money back in illegal drug sales! I actually want to take these myself! So I left and did not get them.
Luckily, after reading through all of the insurance stuff, it turns out we have a $100 deductible for prescriptions, and after that it is only a small copay. So this is really a one-time cost. I went back early this week and picked up the meds. I was going to take one on Tuesday, but I chickened out. What if I contracted psychosis? What if my brain melted? What if I dyed my hair black, grew a goatee, and became an evil version of myself?
I finally took one yesterday, and none of that happened. I did get a lot more stuff done than usual, but I think it will take more than a day to judge if things have improved. All I will say is that my brain has not melted, and I am not running an ecstasy lab. And if you don’t believe that, I will SQUIRREL!