In my two day drive a decided to make a little stop at a place called “South of the Border.” A place with that many signs has to be good, right? No, listen, I knew it was a tourist trap, but I had been stuck in traffic for almost two hours and I was starving and they were advertising food there, so I went.
In order to enjoy South of the Border, you must either bring, or be a four-year-old. Sadly, I had left my four-year-old at home, but man, she would have loved it. I will have to go back and bring her some time. But I was there for food! There were many signs for food, one advertising pizza and subs, one promising hot dogs, and many others. Unfortunately those signs did not seem to be anywhere near any actual food. As far as I could tell, South of the Border consisted of a bunch of lying signs, and then three buildings.
The first building was full of only fireworks, the second building was the t-shirt building, and the last building was just a huge warehouse of cheap junk. I think it might be a fun place to browse around, but a horrible place if you actually knew what you wanted. You would never find it. On any given table there might be shot glasses, next to a tie with a fish on it, next to animals that grow when you put them in water, all placed near a midly racist “Pedro” doll that farted when you pushed a button. There was just no rhyme or reason!
I finally decided to just ask someone where the food was, and nobody seemed to know. People at South of the Border are not hired for their peppyness, nor for their knowledge of South of the Border. I did get one guy to tell me that there was no pizza and subs place, and no hot dog stand, but basically if I crossed the street I could go to either “The Restaurant” or “The Diner.” I asked him which would be quicker, and he said the diner, so I went there.
The diner was, how can I put this nicely? I can’t, so I won’t say anything at all. Just don’t go there. Ever.
I finally left South of the Border feeling very confused and slightly dirty. I didn’t really get much food, and I didn’t buy any grabbing claws or hats shaped like crabs, so it seemed like a big waste of time, but in all fairness I was in a bad mood from the traffic, and I think part of the fun of a place like that is being able to make fun of it, which is hard to do by yourself. When you are with someone, it’s funny and cool to say “Hey, over here! Look how lame this is!” When you are by yourself, picking something up and thinking about how lame it is really isn’t very entertaining. It kind of makes you feel personally lame. So next time I go I’m bringing my family!