When I was younger, and not that much younger, I could eat pretty much anything I wanted. Now, I don’t mean that in a “could eat many calories and not get fat,” or “could eat spicy things without heartburn” kind of way. No, I just mean that it all just…fit. Sure, I would sometimes get indigestion, and I obviously have gained many weight units over the past few decades, but at least it all used to go down the hatch and into my cavernous void without any problems.
Here’s an example: when I worked at the Navy Yard in Washington, D.C. (so about ten years ago now) I would go out to lunch and eat an entire Chipotle burrito. Not impressed? Well once I was done with that burrito I would walk next door to the Cold Stone Creamery and order a “Gotta Have It” sized “Cookie Doughn’t You Want Some” with Cake Batter ice cream in a waffle bowl. And I would eat that too. And then by 5 o’clock I was good and ready for some dinner. Yeah. I was able to eat pretty much anything I wanted.
Two days ago I got home from church and my wife pointed out that I ought to have come home with Chipotle burritos for lunch. She had a good point. I went out and brought some home. And I couldn’t finish mine. I had had a tiny breakfast, and by the time I got back with lunch it was approaching 1 pm and I was ravenous. And yet I couldn’t finish that burrito. I was way too full by about 3/4 of the way through. I made a valiant effort, and I ate about 90% of it, but I could not eat the whole thing. And there was certainly no way I was going to be eating a 75,000 calorie dessert immediately following! What happened to my stomach?! Why can’t I fit anything into it?!
The confusing part about this is that my belly is enormous. My pants don’t fit, my belts need new notches, and I routinely knock things over with my protruding midsection. I don’t think of myself as super fat, but boy my belly sure is. I carry all of my excess weight there, and it has never been larger. So what the heck is under there? Because it sure as heck isn’t stomach! I would have thought that my expanding belly would have been a sign of a increase in stomach capacity, but this is not the case. The fatter I get, the less I can eat. Which again, you would think would could me to be less fat! Sadly, I have not seen this result. Recent Thanksgivings have been disasters in the capacity department. What is going on?!
The only thing I can think of is that my humongous fat belly is squishing my poor little stomach up into a teensy ball, thus preventing me from putting as much food down there as I used to. But if this is what is happening, then why is my new lower-calorie diet not then shrinking my belly? Well, obviously it is some sort of conspiracy. I don’t know what kind of deal my belly has worked out with the food supply, but it is clearly stealing all of those precious calories for itself, leaving other important areas underfunded. This explains why I could not find my phone the other day. It’s because I am too fat, so my corrupt belly stole all of the nutrients from my brain, rendering me essentially useless. This has to be the answer! I’ve figured it out! Except…I figured it out using my brain, which means it is probably wrong because my brain is underfed, except that theory was debunked because my brain thought of it, so therefore…
See? Useless. I give up. I’m going back to the gym.
And I’m bringing snacks.