Yesterday I was back in New York for another audition, and for all of you aspiring musicians out there, I thought you might be interested in what happens before, during, and after a professional audition.
The first thing you have to do is go to New York, unless of course your audition is somewhere else, in which case you should not go to New York. I decided to drive to Albany and take the train into the city, as it is a lot cheaper and doesn’t take that much longer. Other ways to get to New York are the bus, a plane, walking (if you live in Manhattan), or swimming (if you live in Queens).
Once in New York, I prepared for my audition the next day by going to a burrito place and eating Mexican food for about three hours. Afterward, I went back to my friend Josh Jeremiah’s house (he DID read my blog!) and watched up to three episodes of South Park. This is all very important, so I hope you are writing this down.
My audition was at the inhumanely early hour of 11:40, which for normal people seems very late, but for us artistic types is only a few minutes after we typically go to bed. I decided to go to bed early (midnight) so I could be well rested for my big day. My watch alarm woke me up at 8:30 and I showered and got into my suit. At this point I would have liked to warm up my voice a little, but Josh and his sub-letter/roommate were both still sleeping, so I did lip flutters and hummed quietly.
Josh eventually woke up and decided to make me breakfast. He pulled out some Domino’s pizza from a few days earlier and microwaved it, after which he fried it on the stove with some butter. It is very important to have a good breakfast before any big audition.
I made it to the audition location with plenty of time to spare, so I decided to find an ATM. Another tip: pay your accompanist. Otherwise you may get punched in the face, and/or be unable to find accompaniment in the future. Well, I still had about twenty minutes, so I walked around outside in the pouring rain and 70 mph winds and warmed up. This is a great thing about New York. You can walk around the street singing loud high D flats, and nobody cares.
During the audition I sang a couple of arias, whatever. Who cares. The important thing is that when I was done, my agent said it was the best audition I had ever done, and we were going to lunch! Getting your agent to take you out is the most important part of the audition process.
Sadly, I had a train to catch, and we could not find a good place to eat in time. I jumped in a cab and headed for the train station. I almost didn’t make it the traffic was so bad, but I arrived just as they were boarding. What this meant was that I didn’t get any lunch. Luckily I had a giant bag of gummy bears in my pocket. I ate the whole thing. I thought I would get lunch in Albany, but the train was late due to the weather, so I just got on the road. Traffic was abysmal, and I realized if I was going to be home on time for bedtime, I would have to just find a drive through somewhere. I thought Lake George, but there was no fast food.
I asked my GPS to find a fast food place on my route, and it told me there was not one until Shelburne, 80 miles away. I thought for sure there was a McDonalds around there, but I pulled into a gas station and got a huge bag of pepperoni combos and an iced tea. I ate the whole thing. And as soon as I finished the bag I turned the corner and saw a McDonalds.
Now you may recall that so far that day I had eaten a) a piece of fried microwaved pizza, b) an entire bag of gummy bears, and c) an entire bag of combos. So I felt like I should eat something else, even though I was full of combos. I always feel like a fat pig saying “I’ll have a double quarter pounder with cheese,” so instead I said “I’ll have the number three combo,” which made me feel much skinnier, even though it came with fries which I did not eat.
But I digress. Basically, the most important thing post-audition is nutrition. I’ll let you know if I get hired.