Awoooooooo! Oooohhhhhh, I am so saaaaaaaad! I do not want to eat any treats or play with any toys. Life is terrible! If you know me, you know how much I love treats and toys, so this is a big deal. I just got back from the worst vacation ever. And it all started out so promising…
A long time ago, I think it was yesterday morning but the details already grow hazy in the mists of time, my family started to get ready to go somewhere. I know the signs. Items gathered together, big floppy paw covers attached over their small weird paws, everything was pointing to the door being opened. I love it when the door gets opened, because sometimes I get to go out of it! That is the best. Doors are the best. And then, they picked up my chew toy! The long one that attaches to my collar that means I get to go out the door! I jumped down from the couch in excitement and graciously allowed the big one to attach the toy to my stylish neckwear before I started to try eating it.
We went out of the door! I love going out of the door! And there was grass, and people, and smells! It was the best! And then, instead of our normal path of excitement, we headed over to the party box! They opened the doors and I jumped right in, ready to seek out whatever snacks had been left for me under the seats and on the floor. The party box started up and began rocking and shaking, which I do not really enjoy, but I got to leap about and go in various laps, so it was good. I didn’t find any snacks, which was upsetting because they forgot to feed me breakfast, but I was ready for a fun trip!
After about 100 hours we arrived at a new place. It had new smells! I could smell other dogs and cats and people, and it was just the best! The big one left the party box for a while, which was concerning, but I barked at him to let him know he should come back and get me and take me to the new place, and after a while he did. He took me into a new door, but then, and I can hardly bear to even write down this sad thing, he handed me to a strange human and then left! He LEFT! And I got put into a cage. This was a bad vacation.
I yelled “bark” at my friend, but he did not hear me, or he did not care. I was abandoned in the lair of a madwoman. She left me to rot in my metal prison for an eternity, but when she came back I wished that she had left me for even longer. I was grabbed and stabbed and poisoned with some sort of anti-dog needle and the last thing I remembered as the world went dark was that I was very sad and there was no door or happiness to be found.
When I woke up, I was back in that infernal cage, but something was different. Something was wrong. I felt lighter. I looked down at my front and saw an incision where there had been no incision before. I had fallen prey to an organ trafficking cabal of some sort, and they had taken bits of me out to sell on the black market. I knew that I would not survive much longer, so there was nothing else to do but go to sleep. I did not even sniff anything. Sadness and despair.
The mad scientist returned to my cell in the afternoon, although how long she had been standing over me grinning I will never know. Because I was asleep. I thought about growling at her, but what was the point anymore? I allowed myself to be picked up as I surrendered to my inevitable demise. But then….could it be? Yes! There it was! A……door! I was saved! There was a door, and I was going through it! And on the other side stood the big one, ready to rescue me from this terrible holiday in hell.
We went back to the party box, but I was still very sore from being attacked and sliced open. I did give him half a lick, to show that there were no hard feelings. How could he have known that my hotel had been run by the Frankenstein-Hitler family? Clearly he had come back for me the instant he had realized where I had truly been left. I lay on the seat of the party box until we finally arrived back home, to the familiar smells and sounds that I had missed for so long.
I am feeling a bit better today, although I do not feel like running or jumping. I still haven’t eaten anything out of protest, although if there were some chocolate around, I might change my stance. I know they say it is not good for me, but then why is it so delicious?! It is all propaganda and lies. They just want to eat all the chocolate for themselves. This is also true for pencils. Anyway, do not worry about me. I will be fine. But take this as a warning before you travel on your next vacation: check the user reviews before you check into any sort of death motel. Now leave me be. I am going to chew on my squeaky fox and be sad.