If you are here looking for my personal review of the amazing film “Interstellar,” directed by Christopher Nolan, I am sorry to say that you are in the wrong place. I would have given it high marks, and compared it to “2001,” “Contact,” and “Gravity.” I would have shouted out “spoiler alert” as I discussed the twists, turns, mysteries, and pseudo-science that worked seamlessly together to create one of the best films of the year. I would have provided you with a detailed list of awesome things about the movie, coupled with some critiques of the various plot holes and other things that I thought might have been improved upon. But I cannot give you that review today, because I was a little distracted by what the three jerks in the row behind me thought about it. Luckily for you, I can tell you their exact opinions.
First off, I can safely assure you that these gentlemen were expecting to be at a secret pre-screening of Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, and not at an emotional drama that happens to be playing out across the space-time continuum. This is because, after 45 minutes of character-driven emotional build-up, one of them walked into the movie almost an hour late, and his friend said, quite loudly, “You haven’t missed anything. Nothing’s happened. This movie is really boring.” Apparently complex human interactions are boring to this neanderthal sitting behind me. Perhaps if the characters had just farted a few more times, he would have been entertained. But no matter that nothing going forward will make sense to you know in terms of character development. You haven’t missed a thing!
I’m not even going to get into how ridiculous it is to walk into a movie 45 minutes late and then start talking loudly to your friends about what you missed, because I think we can all assume that this is just typical behavior for a rude and obnoxious (fill in the name of the major political party to which you do not belong). Instead I will focus on the snorting and chuckling that went on during any quiet, tense, or tender moment in the film. Sorry, Matthew McConaughey. These guys didn’t get it. I thought you did a great job, but I guess they preferred you in “Dazed and Confused.” In fact, this movie is the opposite of “Dazed and Confused.” In that movie, Matthew McConaughey gets older, while the girls stay the same age.
E very decision the characters made was greeted with an incredulous “Did he really just (whatever the character just did)?!” Well, not every decision. Only the decisions followed by a moment of quiet. This was, presumably, to maximize the disruption. Or, actually, you know, maybe it was every decision. Maybe I just couldn’t hear their commentary during those times when the movie was loud enough to drown out their witty critiques, such as “this sucks,” and “this is stupid.”
Their closing argument came as soon as the first credit hit the screen. They stood up and declared “That’s three hours of my life I’m never getting back.” Although, to be fair, one of them is only not getting back about an hour and fifty minutes. They left the theater happy, laughing and joking with each other about how terrible the movie was, presumably due to its questionable choice to include words of more than two syllables, and the lack of gratuitous nudity, despite starring several attractive actresses. Hey, at least they left happy, right?
So if you are looking for space battles and unnecessary boobs, this may not be the movie for you. If, on the other hand, you are looking for a decent film about the human condition set against a stunningly rendered backdrop of outer space, then check it out. Also, if you are looking for a pleasant movie-going experience, those guys may not be the companions for you. If, however, you are looking for somebody to punch in the kidney, I have three suggestions.