A short while ago I posted my opinion that my son’s happy noise is, sadly, one of the worst sounds I have ever heard in my life, and that it is causing me irreparable hearing loss. All of this is still true. And yet, as I was talking to a neighbor of mine who has the distinct pleasure of hearing this sound quite frequently, I learned that, to some, it truly was a pleasure. Maybe not the feeling in the eardrum itself, but hearing that sound let them know that my son was nearby, happy, and safe. And in fact, as we got to talking, I calculated that perhaps that wolf siren of his wasn’t a pure negative after all. There are plenty of potential benefits to being able to produce a sound like that.
- We always know where he is. He cannot hide. With a set of pipes like that, we can triangulate his position in mere seconds. Is he hiding? Is he trying to go into the parking lot, which is forbidden? Is he sneaking around the corner? Sorry Buddy, but we know. Everyone knows.
- He has some career potential. As an opera singer, I know how valuable it can be to have a powerful voice. You can make some serious money with a pair of vocal folds like that! Not as a musician, obviously, but what about auctioneer? Lifeguard? Politician? Human Foghorn? There are plenty of careers which could benefit from a voice capable of traveling great distances without any possibility of being ignored.
- Hollywood would love him. Whether he is actually starring in the horror movie, or just doing voice-over work, people are going to want to use that scream. Seriously, it sounds like he is being horribly murdered at all times. Why did I think of that as a negative?! There are times in life when you want to sound like you are being horribly murdered! Right now is not one of those times, which I keep trying to tell him to no avail, but those times do exist.
- Maybe he could break a glass? He hasn’t so far, but I have no doubt that with a little hard work and experimentation he could figure out how to shatter glass with those lungs. Oh wait, wasn’t I looking for positive side-effects? Man, I hope he does not start shattering glass with his voice. That’s all I need. Forget I said that one.
- If we are ever attacked by wolves, he may be able to communicate with them. Hey, I don’t speak wolf, and neither does he, but he certainly can sound like one. Sure he would be speaking wolf gibberish, but that might be terrifying. Imagine that you were going to sneak up on some unsuspecting animal so that you could kill it for your dinner. For the purposes of this exercise let us imagine that it is a rabbit. So you are about to pounce on the rabbit, when it suddenly turns its head, looks you in the eyes, and then yells (in perfect English) “PANTS WERE MY THREE YOUR RACCOON WIDGET BABY SPRINTED!” Yeah, that’s right you’d run.
So maybe it isn’t so bad for my son’s happy noise to be frustratingly painful to my ears. Maybe the good will outweigh the bad in the final tally. And either way, at least when I hear it I know that he is happy, which is all I ever really wanted anyway. Well, that and a few good moments of peaceful solitude, but I knew I was never going to get that. After all, I am a parent.