The Bed of the Friend of the Neighbor of My Agent

I was supposed to be in New York for a week two weeks ago, but this little old hurricane came along and cancelled all of my auditions.  But it’s ok!  People are starting to reschedule!  In fact, on Friday I had two auditions, with only one problem.  I had nowhere to stay Thursday night.  Everyone I know in the city was either still without power, hosting people who were still without power, or just plain not returning my phone calls.  It looked like I was going to have to spend the night at my Mom’s in Plattsburgh (an hour closer to the city than my house) and then leave at 5 am to drive into the city for the first audition.

I had to drive, because buses and trains were still not running.  Amtrak only reopened their northern service on Friday evening, so I was left with no ride but myself, and no roof but my mother’s.  I tried explaining this to my agent, but she did not like it one bit.  You see, she has heard me audition countless times.  Actually, she could probably count the times.  She has an extensive database.  But anyway, she knows how I audition.  She knows my strengths and weaknesses.  And she has told me in no uncertain terms that my auditions go well when I spend the night before the audition in the city, and arrive well rested, warmed up, and ready to sing.

My auditions do not go well when I get up at 5 am and drive into the city, trying to put my suit on at red lights, and arrive just in time to sing, out of breath, stressed from driving and parking, and only warmed up by Katy Perry and Adam Levine.  These are the auditions that I do not get any jobs from.  These are the auditions that make me think, “Why did I waste the money to drive to NY only to suck hard and then drive home?”  No, it was clear that my agent was not going to allow me to spend the night any place other than Manhattan.  This is why she is the best agent ever.

She made a few calls, and when her contacts failed her, she asked her contacts to call their contacts.  As it turned out, her neighbor had a friend who had a bed that was apparently free, because he was stuck out in New Jersey trying to recover from the storm.  Hooray?  The apartment was tiny, and the Murphy Bed pulled down out of the wall, as Murphy Beds do, but it was available, so I took it, despite my mother’s fear that I would be flung up into the wall and stuck in the bed.  This happened in “The Great Muppet Caper,” so it probably happens a lot.

Now, I am not entirely convinced that this guy knew I was staying in his apartment.  I met my agent in her building, and we went down to see her neighbor who produced a key for me and told me that she had gone in and set everything up for me.  I just shouldn’t touch anything, and I had to be out by 9 am no matter what, in case the guy came home.  Wonderful.  But hey, free apartment in New York, right?

The apartment was approximately the size of the bed, and there was no kitchen of any kind, just a tiny bathroom with a toilet that was almost inside of the stall shower.  I managed to find a place on a chair to put my suitcase and settled down for an early night, since I had to be out of there before nine.  But the bed did its job, and I woke up with a few minutes to spare.  I snuck out, returned the key to my agent’s neighbor, and was at my audition all warmed up and ready to sing, just like everybody wanted.

I’m actually still in New York, now in a different apartment that belongs to another neighbor that my agent knows.  I’m pretty sure this one is legit though.  One more audition to do today, and then I’m driving home.  I just have to say, does your agent let you sleep in random apartments all over her building when you come to town for auditions?  If not, you just might want to sing for mine.  I’m pretty sure she’s the best.