“There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other wings.” So said the inspirational poster hung somewhere in my childhood, the reading of which seemed so profound to me at the time, and the truth of which is clear to me only now. Suddenly, and not suddenly, I have children, and they are slowly growing up very quickly. It’s time to give the gifts. But which one to give?
Parents have a responsibility to create two things for their children: a home, and the means to leave it. That much is clear. My wife and I are looking at our current home, housed in an apartment here at the co-op, and wondering when we are going to outgrow it. The children are sharing a small bedroom, which is fine when they are small, and not so fine when they are not so small. So we begin to look at real estate and wonder, “when is the time?” You see, we want a house. We want a house that has room enough for all, with plenty to spare for guests and visitors. We want a clean, happy, joyful home that overflows with memories, and is always full of friends and family, a local hub of neighborly warmth and life. We want some serious roots. We find some nice places in town, slightly above our current budget of $0, but we begin to plan and dream. How much money can we realistically save, and what is the timeframe? Location is important, but so are things like a yard for the dog. Look! There’s one with a fenced in yard and even a playground with swings! Could we save everything we have, and will have, to buy a house like that someday, with swings in the back?
Always the downer, I remind my wife that if we save every penny we have for a house, we will not be taking the fun trips we have been dreaming of. You see, this year is the year of ADVENTURE! We are going to take our kids out into the wide world. We are not going to sit at home and watch Netflix and play Playstation! I mean, we are, but we are not going to only. We are going to book overnights, and drive slightly farther than is reasonable, and we are going to see as much of the world as we can. We have friends all over the country. Surely we can fly out to see some of them with the kids this year? It is so important to provide children with the perspective that comes only with getting outside of one’s own neighborhood and seeing other people, so different and yet the same, and feeling a connection to the whole wide world around. None of that will happen if we can’t spend any money on it. If we are going to hike mountains and travel dusty roads, we need new boots.
So which is more important? Roots, or wings? Boots, or swings? Why buy a nice big house if we are never planning on being there? Wouldn’t it be better to stay where we are, or buy another very small house with no swingset, if we are going to be globetrotting adventurers? Besides, home is not a building, it’s where the heart is, right inspirational poster #2? We can give our kids roots of love, even if we never stay in the same place for more than a few seconds! Or is that just idealistic, wishful nonsense from a father who wants everything for himself, and even more for his kids? Resources have limits. Human beings have limits. We cannot be fully rooted and fully mobile at the same time. Can we?
I look at the boots online, unwilling to spend the money on them. I look at the swings again, in the perfect backyard of the beautiful house that we cannot afford anyway. They become totems, symbols for the different lives I wish to provide for my children. I want them to be popular and involved at school, leading teams to victory and receiving standing ovations on their stages. I also want to pull them out of school for a month or two with no notice so that we can drive to California and back. They will be so much cooler if I do that. But these dreams cannot coexist. You can’t miss 6 weeks of practice and still be captain of the team. You can’t sign up for 20% of the rehearsals and still have the lead role. You can do each of these things in turn, but not simultaneously. Sometimes you have to choose.
Realistically I cannot do most of things I want to do anyway, although my wife is a miracle worker so we will probably do more than I think we can, but philosophically I need to set my own goals. I can’t just straddle the fault line until the ground splits underneath me and I am lost. Roots, or wings? Or a little of each? Well, it is the year of adventure, and figuring out how to raise your children? Adventures don’t come more intense and exciting than that. So no matter what we end up focusing on this year and into the future, I can assure you that it will not be dull.