My friends, this may be last blog I post for a while, as today I begin a long and perilous journey to search for the first of Osama Bin Laden’s seven horcruxes. I know that there is much rejoicing today at the death of this terrorist madman, but believe me, this threat is far from over. I have discovered that, before his death, Bin Laden split his soul into seven pieces and scattered them across the globe, hidden in secret objects, and guarded by dangerous and mysterious traps.
Although I can’t be sure, I believe the first horcrux may be his beard, so the first thing I need to do is get access to that, which will not be easy. I know the government is giving him all the proper burial rites of the islamic faith, but unless they burn his beard with the eternal flame from the gravesite of John F. Kennedy, that piece of his soul will continue to live on, in beard form, and his power will not be completely snuffed out.
After that I’m not sure where I will go. Probably the mountains of Afghanistan. Those caves seems like a good place to hide a horcrux. I do know with great certainty that there is a horcrux hidden in the “It’s a Small World” ride at Walt Disney World here in Florida, so I plan to stop by next week to destroy the heck out of that thing. Wish me luck on my quest, and if you have any more information about the remaining horcruxes, please let me know, as randomly finding things that could be anywhere on Earth with absolutely no information to go on is fairly difficult.
After I have found and destroyed the first six horcruxes, I expect the final battle to be quite intense and dramatic, as the rumors have it that the last horcrux is Donald Trump himself. I think some horcrux beard got into his hair and turned him evil. Oh, the bards will sing about that final battle between me and The Donald, but I believe he will, in the end, see reason and sacrifice himself for the greater good by shaving his head. On that day there will truly be much to celebrate, but for now, I’m off!
I think that Salman Rushdie may have one that he holds hostage to keep the fatwa against him at bay. Good luck finding that one.