If you have a Facebook account or an e-mail address, no doubt you have been subjected to links from the site Upworthy.com on at least one trillion occasions. Upworthy is a site that tries to highlight the brightest and best moments that humanity has to offer, in the most annoying way possible. Every headline they write is completely extreme and over the top. Now I must be careful here, as a lover of hyperbole myself, but massive amounts of exaggeration are, I’ve found, best when used for comedic effect. For instance, in my first sentence you no doubt read the number “one trillion” and thought, ‘That is comedically wrong. I see far more posts than that from Upworthy in a single minute.’ This is because I was using an ironically small number in an attempt to be funny. But when you hyperbolize in an attempt to be serious, there is a problem.
Like the boy who cried ‘uplifiting,’ Upworthy has become somewhat of a caricature, although the things it links to are often worth checking out on their own. But the site is quite popular! Those headlines are certainly attention getting, at least until you figure out that they are all lies, and I realized that creating my own Upworthy headlines was not as hard as I thought. There is something of a formula. Just combine the worst parts of hyperbole with the most obnoxious parts of ‘vaguebooking’ (because you don’t want people to really know what’s in the link until they click it), and you’ve done it! And so, if you too want to create some headline grabbing post titles to draw people to your site, I have created a template for you.
1) You won’t (verb) this (number) little thing that (percentage) of (nationality) people are completely (adjective) about!
2) A famous (occupation) makes a (size) mistake on national television. (Name of fake news host on Comedy Central) absolutely (verb)s them!
3) Here is what happens when a (type of non-uplifting person) messes with a (type of uplifting person). The results are (exaggerated adjective)!
4) See a whole (group of people) reduced to (plural fluid) in just (number) seconds by a (number) year old (gender).
5) If (second person personal pronoun) can watch this (type of internet media) and not (verb) all of your opinions, you are a (expletive).
6) Once you watch the first (number) seconds of this video, we dare you not to (verb) the rest!
7) At (length of time), (name of inspirational person) will make you (verb). At (longer length of time), they will blow your (body part).
8) Watch how a (adjective) group of (sexual orientation) kids are changing the way you (verb).
9) Can you believe (name of company) is so (adjective) that they would (something terrible)?
10) A sexist (occupation) told her she couldn’t (something vague). Watch her (verb) him in under (number) minutes.
11) That (gender) from (name of movie or television show) is asked a (noun). You won’t believe the (noun).
12) The most (adjective) (noun) you have ever (past tense verb) in your entire (adjective) (expletive) (noun)!