It can be hard these days to be a man. Not in terms of, like, getting paid more, having all of the power, retaining extraordinary privilege, and generally having it way easy, but in other ways it is hard. For instance, these tricky gender roles are always a problem for men. Women have been fighting to be equal to men for a long time, so now they can wear pants, play sports, work on oil rigs, be Secretary of State, and all sorts of previously manly things. But men have not been fighting to be equal to women (mostly because they seem to have been fighting against women for quite some time), so men are not allowed to wear dresses, play with American Girl dolls, work as ballerinas, be secretary of your office, or any other non-manly thing. This causes some gender confusion, because all of the “manly” things are now shared between the genders (except for all of those things in my second sentence), and all of the womanly things are off-limits. What can a man do?
If a woman wants to feel feminine, she can do any number of things, such as wear lipstick, put on high heel shoes that cause her to immediately tip over, or ask for a decrease in pay at work. What can a man do to feel masculine? Kill something? And what even is there around here to kill? Bugs and worms mostly, or a squirrel if I’m lucky, but no way could I catch a squirrel. If I needed to kill a squirrel I would probably call my wife for advice. This is not looking good in the manly department.
I once knew someone that told me she thought her now-husband was gay when she met him, because he drove a car. This is a true story. In her experience manly straight men drove trucks, and women and effeminate men drove cars. I am still in shock many, many years later after having this conversation, but it is clear that perhaps I ought to buy a truck if I want to be perceived as manly. Or, since I cannot afford a truck due to my unmanly professional of singing songs and raising children, I could always borrow one from my friend Wendy. She has a truck.
Ok, this is no good. How am I going to feel masculine?! There must be something that is only for men, right? I guess I could go become a Catholic priest, but I don’t know if my wife and children would like that very much. I could buy a Major League Baseball team. They are all currently owned by men, so maybe that would help.
Or I suppose I could just be myself. As The Flight of the Conchords said so eloquently, “What man? Which man? Whose the man? When’s a man a man? What makes a man a man? Am I a man? Yes, technically I am.” Since I am, in fact, a man, then by default, anything I do is manly, right? Writing this blog is something that a man would do, since I am a man and I am doing it! Yes! The perfect loophole! I have solved all gender problems in one fell swoop! See you later, suckers! I’m off to buy a bunch of American Girl dolls, which is completely manly of me.
Nevermind. They are too expensive. Guess I’ll have to buy an MLB team instead.