Parents, I think you know where I am coming from here. Whether it is the babysitter, a teacher, or even grandparents and other relatives, kids seem to behave themselves far better for other people than they do for you. We get all worked up trying to apologize in advance to whoever is going to be taking care of our little monster babies, saying things like “I’m sorry, he didn’t have a nap today so he’s tired,” and “He may take off his pants and run into the street, so watch out for that,” and “Most likely she will punch you in the face, steal your car, and drive to Atlantic City.” And then you leave, praying that your child will at least show some mercy to these people so that you will have a small hope of being able to ask them to watch your kid again in the future.
And of course, when you get home, your child has been an absolute angel. They did everything they were told. The siblings did not fight or argue. Everyone ate all of their dinner, put their jammies on, and sat quietly listening to stories. “WOW!” we say to the departing caretaker. “You are a miracle worker!” And we foolishly think for a brief moment that our children have been replaced with upgraded children, and that our lives are going to be much easier from then on.
But as soon as the door closes behind the temporary authority it is all over. You say sweetly, “I hear you were very good tonight. I’m so proud of you! Are you ready to get into your bed?”
“NO!” they scream, and run around the house throwing toys, biting pets, and attacking their siblings.
*sigh*
Why?
My son Edward is spending the week at church, attending Vacation Bible School, which is really the first school-like experience he has ever been a part of. He is gone for the mornings, spending time learning, doing crafts, and playing with other kids. And I have been told, by at least six different adults, that Edward is a model student. He shows concern for the other kids. He loves his crafts, and follows the instructions of the supervisors. He is a true joy to have around.
And yet yesterday, when I went to pick him up, he yelled at me, took off down the hallway, ran out the church door, and straight into the parking lot where he immediately started to shout and cry and try to kick me. Awesome. Those jerks used up every ounce of his daily good behavior juice and left me with a mess.
But I have realized now that there is a very simple solution to all of this. I just need a disguise. I will reconfigure the house so that it looks like a school, or a church, or somebody else’s house. And then I will wake him up in the morning, wearing my disguise, and tell him that it is time to start school. And then he will behave himself all day! Brilliant!
This is an excellent plan. I don’t know about the long-term prospects for this plan, but we can work that out as we go along. Now all I need is that disguise…