If It Weren’t For the Cats…

Here are the ways in which my life would have been completely improved today if I didn’t have any cats.

I wouldn’t have woken up to find the floor covered with water.  I don’t know what cats’ problem is, but they are not content to drink water out of a bowl or any other type of container.  They must first bat at it with their paws and then knock it all over the floor before it is ready for drinking.  And if you leave any water out in a cup, like Edward’s water cup from last night, you can bet that it will also be all over the floor in the morning.

I wouldn’t have had to begin my day by cleaning cat pee off of the linoleum.  Somebody apparently thought they were done going before they really were, so there was a spotted trail of urine leading away from their box this morning that I got to clean up.  Edward was trying to step in it, but at least I prevented that from happening.

I wouldn’t have had to chase any cats through the courtyard.  Edward decided that Mousey ought to go outside today, or at least he decided that the door ought to be open, and Mousey decided that she ought to go outside today.  Either way, I had to hunt her down, corner her in some bushes, and then drag her back into the house as she clawed the crap out of my shoulder.  It is in our lease that we cannot have outdoor pets, so sorry cat, you have to come back in.  Stop scratching me, jerk.

Speaking of the door being open, I would have loved to leave the door open this morning and let the breezes come in and the kids go out and play in the courtyard, but if I leave the door open, the cats will escape, so the door has to stay closed.  This means that if the kids want to go outside and play, I have to go sit out and watch them, which I don’t mind sometimes, and sometimes I want to play with them too, but other times I want to do the laundry and have them be outside, which is not really possible, because I have cats.

I also would not step out of the shower onto kitty litter, crunch cat food into powder every time I walk into the kitchen, or exclusively wear fur-covered clothes.  In fact, this morning I am having a hard time thinking of anything positive about…awwwwww, yeah, you are cute aren’t you?  You little fuzzy-fuzzy-wuzzy-head!  Come here and sit in my lap!  Good kitty.