Swear Words For Parents

So there you are, living your life, happily cursing like a sailor, when suddenly, it happens.  Boom!  You become a parent.  Now, completely out of the blue, you have to drastically change your speech patterns so as not to scar your children for life, or worse, get the dreaded phone call from the teacher asking where your kid learned “that word.”

For some of us, this is not so difficult a task as we never swore that much to begin with, while others of us regularly spiced up our everyday conversation with “effin’ this” and “effin’ that.”  But regardless of whether you were a big cusser, or an “only when I dropped the piano on my foot” cusser, there will come a time, as a parent, when the desire may suddenly come upon you to utter unspeakable words in front of your young progeny.  It is at this time that we must take a lesson from the Mormons.

I don’t know if you know any Mormons personally, but I do, and they are not allowed to swear.  That is, there are certain words they are not supposed to say.  This doesn’t mean they don’t shout angry words of frustration or curse in their own way; they just don’t use the same words we do.

They cannot say “damn it” for instance, because that is bad, but they can say “dang it.”  They can also say “dampen,” “damage,” and “dandruff.”  And they do.  They also say words like “shiz,” “fetch,” “motherfreaker,” and “son of a biscuit.”  In their intent, all of these words mean the same thing as their blasphemous counterparts, however in their execution they come across as harmless nonsensical words or phrases that everyone can agree are super cute.

I myself have often found myself dropping groceries, being smashed in the face by a baby head, or unable to find my keys when I am five minutes late out the door for preschool, and without warning I start to say something inappropriate.  Luckily, with quick thinking I am able to turn these words around in time to avoid catastrophe.  In case you are not so quick on your feet with your words, I will offer some of my best last-second recoveries for you to study and use whenever you are feeling upset in front of the kiddos.

“Fuuuuuudge in a blanket!”

“Shiiiiiiii-Shi-Shi-Shi-Shimmy Shimmy Shake!”

“Mother Thumper!”

“Sheeee-aaaaahhh-eeeee-oooot!’

“Fuuuuuun Fun Fun!”

“Ding Dong Merrily on High!”

“Gaaaaaaarazzumfrazzum!”

“Holy ShhhhhhNikes!”

“Fuquintennial!”

So remember parents, don’t curse in front of your kids.  It’s bad.  Instead, shout nonsense words at them until they think you have gone crazy and decide to leave you alone.  Then take a nap.  And if they wake you up from your nap?  Repeat step one.