How to Sing with Vibrato

Some of you out there may be wondering what the difference is between opera singing and the normal singing done by people like Taylor Swift and your drunk cousin at your wedding four years ago.  Well, the answer to that is vibrato.

Vibrato is an Italian word, meaning to vocally wobble uncontrollably, and it is the primary technique opera singers use to distinguish themselves from those idiots on American Idol, who clearly don’t know the first thing about singing, sound terrible, are “pitchy,” do not have advanced degrees in music, and who will make more money in the next five years than your entire graduating class of opera singers in their entire lives put together.

These so-called “pop” singers use a technique called straight tone, which means they just sing.  Open their annoying little top-forty mouths and sing.  We opera singers, however, know that this is never going to produce enough sound to carry over an entire orchestra, and since opera companies are too cheap to buy microphones, we have to have a way to shake out some extra sound.  That way is vibrato.

To achieve vibrato, you must shake as much as possible, so that the sound gets all wiggly and loud.  The best method for doing this is to only sing during earthquakes.  I think a 5.0 or above on the richter scale should be sufficient.  This will get your voice really shaking, and all the people standing in the nearby door frames and hiding in basements will definitely hear you over all of the breaking dishes and car alarms.

If you cannot find an earthquake, the second most popular method of achieving vibrato is to shake your jaw up and down as fast as possible.  This technique is widely practiced in the soprano community and has the added bonus effect of making you look like you are about to cry at any moment, so use this during really dramatic scenes.  To employ this technique, simply imagine that you are in an eating contest (it doesn’t matter what sort, could be hot dogs, could be pie, whatever you like to eat) and you are in the home stretch.  All of the food is in your mouth, and all you have left to do is chew it as fast as possible to win the blue ribbon.  Now chew!  Chew faster!  Now, while making this jaw movement, start singing your best audition aria.  See?  Doesn’t it sound a lot better?

Now, Tenor Dad, you are saying, I do not have the jaw stamina to get through an entire aria whilst pretending to eat peanut butter and bacon sandwiches.  Well, that is okay.  You can always use the time-tested throat chop method of producing vibrato.  While singing, simply take your hand and chop at your throat as fast as possible.  If you cannot get enough vibrato doing this, simply use both hands.  This will produce the desired effect, although it is a bit awkward to do on stage if your character is not afflicted with arm spasms or self-loathing.  If you are going to be in a fully produced stage opera, you will want to use the earthquake method.

I hope this handy guide has helped you on your path to become the wobbliest singer out there today.  And if these tips do not help you, make up some of your own.  Some people have had success with shaking their face back and forth like a wet dog, but as I have never used this method I do not feel qualified to discuss it.  But whatever method you use, just remember to sing, and to sing loud.  And don’t watch American Idol.  It’s depressing.