Look, I’ve been married for almost 8 years. I’ve been around the block. I know things. I’m sure some of you oldsters are scoffing at my paltry eight years of marriage, but come on, if you haven’t mastered it in eight years, you’re not going to get any better at it. The most important thing I know is that there is one question that you should never ask your wife. I know this because I asked it once.
I’m not talking about “Hey, did you get fatter?” or “So, would you be up for some fun with my new hot young co-worker and me next weekend?” No, in the right context, those questions are fine. The question I asked, lo those many years ago (and still hear about to this day) was “Where’s the broom?”
Never ask your wife where the broom is. I know, I know, you were only trying to be helpful by sweeping, but she will not see it that way. She will respond with “How many years have we lived here? And you don’t know where the broom is?” And then you will be in trouble. Big trouble. Despite your fleeting desire to clean and be useful, you will have instead highlighted your many years of slovenly non-service to the household, and years later the story will be told at dinner parties, and on other occasions when you again find yourself in hot water, matrimonially speaking.
The reason I bring this up is because I cannot currently find the broom. If anybody knows where the broom in my house is, please call me right away so I can delete this blog before my wife reads it.
Now, our whole house is carpeted except the bathrooms and kitchen, and I generally just vacuum those along with the carpets, but today I helped Ruby film the first episode of her new cooking show “Cookies,” which she is very excited about (and which I promise to debut here on Monday, after I’ve done the editing). She wants to be a TV chef when she grows up, don’t you know? But the problem is that Ruby made all the cookies herself. Now the kitchen floor is covered in flour, raisins, sugar, the cat’s water that was somehow tipped over, chocolate chips, vanilla extract, rolled oats, and probably a lot of other stuff. I could really use the broom right about now, but I have looked Everywhere! And I am certainly not calling my wife to ask where it is. I learned my lesson on that subject.
Anyway, please send me a broom asap, or else tell me where my broom is. If I don’t hear from anyone soon, I’m going to have to test out the raisin capacity of my vacuum cleaner. I wonder if we have a mop…