I have been a fan of Spider-Man for over 25 years. I had a whole bathroom dedicated to him. I have also been a professional singer for some time now. As such, I cannot adequately describe my level of excitement as I prepared to see “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark” at the Foxwoods Theater on 42nd Street.
Now let me first say, that I am reviewing this show as someone with much love for the character, and who desperately wants this show to succeed. It is important that you realize this, and how kind I am going to be, in order to understand how bad this show truly is. And now, let the spoilers flow like webs.
Do you want the good news first, or the bad news? The good news? Well, ok, here it is. The stunts are every bit as amazing as you might imagine. The aerial battles over the heads of the audience were breathtaking. At one point, whilst battling the Green Goblin, Spider-Man landed in the aisle, just a few feet from me, before catapulting himself back toward the rafters. All of the stunts were spectacular, and the choreography was superb.
Also, the sets were sensational. Unbelievable, really. The constant shifting and moving parts were seamless, and the forced perspective of the Chrysler Building during a climactic battle was incredible. I also loved the comic booky feel of several parts of the show, notably when Hammerhead and some other gangsters come out and start shooting, or robbing banks, or something. The stylization was really cool. But what were they doing exactly?
The biggest problem with the show was the writing. The whole show was so choppy, and not in a stop and start sort of way, but in a makes no sense, lack of transitions sort of way. It reminded me a lot of the worst parts of Spider-Man 3. That movie felt like it either needed to cut half of it’s story out, or be twice as long. This show felt the same way to me, except at 3 hours it did not need to be twice as long.
So about that writing… Why were all of the characters rhyming, even in normal speech? Did Dr. Seuss write the show? And the story (was there a story?) kept coming out of nowhere, and contradicted itself.
The biggest problem with the show was the story. Let me try to sum it up for you:
A bunch of geeks try to figure out a cool Spider-Man story, which I guess was supposed to be the show that we were watching. Then they talked about Arachne, from Greek mythology, and she sang a bunch of songs that were very pretty. Then Peter Parker got beat up at school and yelled at by Uncle Ben and Mary Jane. Norman Osborn and his wife (his wife?) are trying to save the world from global warming, but are interrupted by a field trip, during which his super spider bites Peter. Peter gets powers and decides not to stop some guy from stealing the bully’s car, and then Uncle Ben runs in front of a picture of a car, yells “Argh!” and falls over on the stage. Then Norman becomes the Green Goblin, kidnaps Mary Jane, and then falls off the Chrysler Building and dies.
INTERMISSION
The geeks continue to argue about the direction of Spider-Man and have him fight more villains, including new villain “Swiss Miss.” This is not a good name for her because A) she does not look Swiss, and B) she looks like a man. She’s made of metal and has a lot of Inspector Gadget type limbs. Why they didn’t call her “Iron Maiden” is beyond me. Anyway, Peter quits being Spider-Man because Mary Jane is mad at him, though it was never made clear that they were together. He throws his costume in the trash. This angers Arachne, who takes over the show from the geeks, and they all run away scared. Arachne plunges the world into a blackout, and then sends her minions to rob all of the shoe stores in New York so she can sing a song about how much she loves to put on her shoes. She tries to get Peter to marry her, but when he won’t, she kidnaps Mary Jane. Now he has to fight Arachne, but he threw away his costume, so he puts on a bunch of stuff (I kid you not) from the theater gift shop, like a Spider-Man t-shirt, and a Spider-Man jacket. I was very surprised that he did not also pick up a Spider-Man mug cozy while he was there. Then, somehow, Peter says he will marry Arachne, which makes her not want to marry him, so she lets Mary Jane go. Then Peter kisses Arachne, somehow releasing her from the curse of being a spider. The end.
Also, I didn’t mention the part where the Green Goblin comes out and plays the piano and sings a lounge number. Actually, he does that twice. It’s too bad that Mrs. Green Goblin had such a small part, because she was the best one in the cast. Actually, most of the people were pretty good, with one glaring exception.
The biggest problem with the show was its star. Reeve Carney (Peter Parker/Spider-Man) can’t sing. I don’t know if he was just trying to sound like Bono, or if he was trying to crack on all his high notes to sound nerdier, or if maybe he was just really sick with pneumonia, but whatever the reason, he sounded terrible on all of his songs. Also not helping Mr. Carney, was the writing of his character. I think maybe because I am a longtime fan, and pre-disposed to like Spider-Man, it took me a long time to notice this, but about halfway through the second half of the show, it hit me. I hated the character of Peter Parker. He was written as a whiny, annoying, incompetent nerd with no social skills and no likable qualities of any kind. Even Aunt May spent the whole show being mean to him, and we all know that Aunt May is a saint! It’s very hard to like a show in which you wish the main character would just die or something.
Finally, I will leave you with my picks for two of the coolest, and two of the most laughable moments from the show. And one of them is the same. Cool Thing #1 – The girls on the swings who became a human loom, weaving with their giant swings. Cool Thing #2/Laughable Thing #1 – When Mary Jane said “Spider-Man can do anything!” and Peter replied, “Well, he can’t star in a Broadway Show!”
And finally, the most laughable thing of the evening: At one point a tiny little Spider-Man flew up through the set, I guess because he was supposed to be far away or something, and all I could think about was the Stonehenge scene from “This is Spinal Tap.” I literally started laughing out loud. “I think that the problem may have been, that there was a Spider-Man on stage that was in danger of being crushed by a dwarf!”
I read today that they are pushing the opening back to February, so that they can rewrite the dialogue, fix the music, and redo the ending of the show. I guess that’s a good start, but I honestly don’t know if they can fix all of the problems without majorly reworking the entire thing. But you know what? I had a really good time at show, problems aside, and I really hope they can fix everything. The stunts alone are worth the price of admission, and Reeve Carney can’t stay in the show forever, right?
Adam, this was hilarious. Are you going to try to see it again after they fix it? I’ll buy your ticket if you write another review…