Don’t Give the Girl a Microphone

It has finally occurred to me why parents embarrass their children so much during the teenage years.  It is payback for what the parents have to go through during the precocious pre-school years.  This was never more clear to me than on this past Sunday morning, when the pastor made the rookie mistake of giving Ruby the microphone during the children’s time.

Ruby is very eager.  This is a general statement that applies to almost anything, but it specifically applies to church lately, and when the time came for Ruby to head to the front of the church, she was all smiles and waves as she dashed to the altar.  There is nothing Ruby loves more than her adoring public.

The topic of the day was fear, and what we are afraid of.  As a list of possible fears was being drafted, the dark was suggested, and Ruby raised her hand vigorously.  She wanted to inform everyone that she was afraid of the dark (which was news to me) and that she always had to have her night light on (which is not news to me).  She then went on to describe in great detail her bedtime night light routine, completely hijacking the service, because, well, she had a microphone.  She ended her story with the accusation that Mommy and Daddy often forget to turn her night light on at night and she is very scared.

Well, this drew great laughs from the congregation, and the pastor mock-scolded us for terrifying our child as I silently vowed to pull out my worst dance moves at Ruby’s first middle school dance that I was now definitely chaperoning.  The pastor then proceeded to bring up the fact that we forgot to turn on Ruby’s night light about six more times over the course of the service.  It fit in well with his theme that God is the light in our lives and with Him we don’t have to be afraid.  He is like the night light that we forget to turn on or something.  The thing is, I have never forgotten to turn on Ruby’s night light.  Simone says she forgot once.  Luckily for us, Ruby remembers everything.

After the service I asked Ruby why she was afraid of the dark, since I had never known that before.  She said “Well, when it’s dark you bump into things, like the corners of things, and it might hurt, so I like to have a light on, because I’m scared of bumping into corners,” which, I suppose, is a pretty legitimate fear.  Better than monsters or boogeymen anyway.  But all of this is really just to serve as a warning to other pastors: if you see Ruby coming, don’t give the girl a microphone.

Posted in Church, Ruby.

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