I am white. I am male. I am heterosexual. I did not choose any of these things; they were decided for me before I had time to even think about it. But even when we do not choose things, we cannot deny the implications. You can walk into a car dealership and see the perfect car, but plead with the salesman to find you a color other than red. Sorry, he says, red is all there is. You know that if you have a red car, even if you didn’t choose it, that you will have to drive a little slower, that you are more likely to be pulled over, and that people will make assumptions about you. Not your fault, but there it is. Everything we are comes with baggage.
Now there is a lot of arguing and grumbling and in-fighting about what it means to be an “ally” to people who got stuck with the red cars of life. Perfectly fine cars that just get pulled over more often for no good reason. And I will not deny that there are racist, sexist, homophobic people out there who truly dislike people for reasons those poor people cannot control, but the majority of us, at least the ones I know, are honestly trying to be good people and treat everyone decently. But it’s hard. Even when those of us in cultural power do try to make a difference, there can be trouble. Mansplaining. Whitesplaining. ProbablyOtherSplaining. When we try to use our power to help, it can be demeaning to those whom we are trying to assist. Like the outdated notion of the white man’s burden, we go off to these culturally third world people and we show them just how much we know, and how our way is better, and wonder why they are not appreciative. Huh.
Miley Cyrus was called out by Nicki Minaj on live television recently due to the comments that Miley made in an interview, saying that people would be more receptive to Nicki’s societal complaints if she didn’t sound so angry all the time. Bernie Sanders had to walk away from a rally that was taken over by #BlackLivesMatter protesters, who did not care that he marched with MLK, but rather wanted to know what he was doing for them now. People are called out on social media for not being “a good enough ally.” These incidents feel like attacks against they very people that are longing to help! Now the people we wanted to help seem threatening to us. Now we in power, who had wanted to share some of that power, are wondering if maybe that’s such a good idea. We are trying to take baby steps here, but we are being told that if we don’t jump into the deep end head first, then nothing we do matters. We feel like we are being told to altruistically give something up, and in return get scorn and derision. How in the heck are you going to motivate anyone to change the system when they feel as though they are working against their own self interests?
This, I think, is where the confusion happens. I think it comes from both sides (not that there are just two sides), but I think that somehow there is an “us vs. them” mentality emerging, even among allies themselves, as to who is doing a better job of it. And I am not suggesting that we do not need to hold each other accountable at times, and I am aware that centuries of social injustice has led to deep-seated bitterness and resentment, but I am suggesting that we need to frame this in a different way. It is appropriate to be angry, but you will never change the system by making enemies. You will never get an entire ruling class of people to change their hearts and minds by convincing them to work against their own self interests. Instead, you need to help people, all people, understand that things are better for everyone when justice reigns and equality is achieved.
I saw a cartoon on Facebook today that said “Socialism for Dummies,” and underneath it was a picture of a high wall, with two men cutting a ladder in half. With each of them using half the ladder, neither could get over the wall. I understand the point it was trying to make, but what the cartoon gets wrong is that the resource is not the ladder, but the men. Two people, sharing one long ladder equally, can both get over the wall. Twenty people working together would not even need a ladder at all to get across. They could lift each other up. One giant and twenty children will not get everyone over, but when everyone has an equal shot, and they work together, they can accomplish much more than one guy with twenty ladders. Equality does not take anything away from those in power. Power shared is power gained. This is what we need people to understand.
Maybe I’m not being a good ally right now, but I’m trying to be. Maybe I am saying that my way is better than your way, but I really am trying to help. I know that outdated sexist notions have hurt me as a stay-at-home dad, and have hurt my wife in the business world. Not just her, but me. Both. We both have felt the negative effects of sexism. When I work towards a world where she is viewed as equal to me, I do that not only because I love and respect her, but because it would give me so much more freedom and opportunity! Nothing is being taken from me, except this burden of what it means to “be a man.” When other cultures are welcomed in an inclusive way, we all benefit. When we waste our time, energy, and resources trying to stay in power, and keep other people down and out, then that is truly the only thing we can do against our self interest. Let’s make this the message, yes? It’s not us vs. them, it’s all of us together, figuring out, in this messy life we were given, how to be more human. And then reaping the benefits.