I shift my weight to my right leg, letting the water cascade over my tired body. I feel each drop as it hits my neck and shoulders, trying to relax my stiff muscles through sheer force of will. A fire engine’s siren makes its way through the sound of the water. It is a sound that we hear all too frequently in this neighborhood. I hear it coming closer, but I tune it out and lean back under the shower head, letting the water flow over my hair and ears. The sound recedes into the background of my mind and I once again try to concentrate on being at peace.
Outside I can hear shouting and the sounds of struggle. A song my mother used to sing to me slips into my head and I try to hold onto it for a few moments as I hear a door slam and footsteps on the stairs. They will be here soon. I lose the song, and it is replaced with something I heard on the radio a few days earlier. Not much time now. I tense my muscles and then relax them one at a time, trying to work the kinks out for one final time.
I am thinking of my bed, warm and soft, when my body jerks involuntarily at the sound of pounding on the bathroom door. The shouting is louder now and I can no longer tune out the sound of the sirens. They are here for me. I hear a child scream and I know that I only have seconds now. The door is not locked, although from the way they are trying to break it down they clearly do not know that. Yet.
There is a huge crash from the hallway and more shouting. I can no longer go to my happy place, but instead can only think about the choices and events that have led to this moment. I know that it’s my own fault, but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept. The door bursts open and suddenly they are in the bathroom, a thin plastic curtain now my only protection from the rest of my life. Slowly, ever so slowly, I reach over and pull the curtain back an inch or two, finally accepting the responsibility for the actions that I took so long ago. Ready as I’ll ever be, I stare them in the eyes and simply ask, “What?”
“DADDYYYYY! EDWARD KEEPS HITTING ME WITH HIS FIRE TRUCK!”
Sighing deeply I reach down and turn off the water, pulling the curtain back far enough that I can reach my towel. With defiance in my eyes I step onto the bathmat and start to dry off. Someone is getting a time out.