Judge not, lest ye be judged. Amirite? And yet, judgement is the human condition. Everything we see, hear, smell, taste, touch, or experience in any way initiates a series of judgements that we use to navigate this world. This is good. That is bad. I like that. I don’t like this. And we move from the snap judgements on to more considered thoughts and ideas. This could be dangerous. That will probably work. Peanut butter and jellybean pizza is terrible. No, I haven’t had it, but I just know. I have made a judgement. And, of course, these mental decisions apply to other people as well.
She is nice. He is mean. She has bad taste. He is qualified to lead us. They are all annoying and stupid. We make these judgements without even thinking about them. The problem arises when we attempt to move these judgements from the inside of our brains to the outside. I may think your haircut is terrible, but it’s probably not a good idea for me to tell you that, unless I am your best friend and you are begging me for an honest opinion because you yourself suspect that something has gone horribly, follically wrong, and even then it might be a mistake to say anything. We all have our own judgements, but nobody wants to hear your negative judgements about them. I don’t. You don’t. Nobody does.
But how can we learn and grow with no external feedback from our social systems? If we are doing something “bad” and we don’t know it, isn’t it preferable to find out, in the gentlest way possible of course? Ah, but then we come to that tantalizingly insidious question. What is bad? What is good? Is it possible that some people love your haircut, and some people hate it? Could your haircut be neutral? Pleasant enough for some people to look at, while terrifying the rest of the populace? Who is to decide whether your decisions are positive or negative?
My rule that I try (and often fail) to follow is to only speak truth to dysfunction. Many people make choices that I do not agree with, but it doesn’t mean those choices are wrong. But some people make choices that are either dangerous and unhealthy, or else prevent those people from reaching their stated goals. In these cases, I do feel somewhat of a responsibility to say something. If you have shaved half of your head, grown the other half out long and dyed part of it an unusual color and then put little braids in part of whatever is left, I will probably only silently judge you. But if you have done this thing to your head the day before an important job interview at a conservative law firm, and then you ask me what I think, please do not be offended if I take you wig shopping.
If the choices you make over and over again continually prevent you from reaching your goals, and we are having a conversation about it, I may mention it to you. Please do not be offended. I was only trying to help. And if you tell me to shut up and go away, I will not bring it up again. I just thought you should know that if your goal is to make new friends, it might help if you left your apartment every once in a while. But if your goal is to be the MarioKart champion of the world, at the expense of your friends, family, job, and physique, then, while I may not agree with what you are doing, I will not tell you to leave your apartment more. You are working towards your goal. Good job,. I will keep my opinions locked up in my public blog.
Now, there are other conversations we can have, on a higher level, about things you do that I do not agree with. But I will not judge you for it personally. I may try to argue the point that there are more important things in life than MarioKart, but I will not tell you to get out more. Unless I feel that your health is truly in danger. Then I might suggest a jog or something. And if you support political causes that I don’t support, I will not slam you for that. But I will try to get you to see my side of the political spectrum. I just want you to be happy and to achieve your goals. And, obviously, to agree with me.
Of course, if you want to dig even deeper, who am I to judge what is dangerous and unhealthy? Maybe you have goals I don’t know about, like pissing off your father’s law firm. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut all the time. But I can’t. Because I care about you. All of you. So let’s continue the dialogue. I will try to be as accepting and judgement-free as I can, and if I try to speak truth to your personal dysfunction, don’t get mad. Just talk back to me. Convince me that what you’re doing isn’t wrong after all. I’m a good listener. The important part is the conversation.