Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together today to think on the sad case of Josh Jeremiah. Let us not mourn him, for can one really be said to be dead, when one has never truly lived? You see, Josh Jeremiah has never actually existed. He is but a phantom, whispering through the winds and wires of the world we call the blogosphere.
Not the real Josh Jeremiah of course. He’s alive and well and doing fine. In fact, I had lunch with him yesterday. He was in the cover cast of “A Quiet Place” with me at New York City Opera. However, in blog world, he is a zombie. A vampire. An undead, not being dead, but also not being alive. Josh Jeremiah does not read blogs.
That’s fine. I don’t actually read blogs either, I’m too busy writing them and singing, and reading bedtime stories, and whatnot. I also am not bothered if you do not read my blog (although I can tell from the look on your face that you do). I write my blog for myself, and for those fine upstanding citizens who want to read it. I don’t blog for people who don’t want to read it. That would be silly! What a terrible blog that would be. But Josh would come in every morning and tell me how he had not read my blog, like it was a thing. So I wondered, how could I make him read my blog? It became a challenge.
I posted my blog on his facebook wall. He laughed and said “nice try.” I got everyone else in the cast to read my blog, and then talk about it at rehearsals. He was not interested. I stole his phone and opened my blog on it, and when he picked it up he threw the phone down like it had ebola, never once glancing at any of the words I had written, lest his eyes burn from their sockets.
Finally, I threatened to write a blog with his name in the title and only write about him and him alone. He laughed and said “I guess it would be pretty weird of me NOT to read it at that point.” But I don’t think he actually thought I would do it…