Last night I sang a great concert. “Of course you did,” you are thinking to yourselves, “you are a great singer!” Well, thank you. But I was not always the great singer that I am today. It took years of practice and refining my skills, until I arrived at the fool proof method for singing a concert that I employed last evening, and at every successful concert that I sing. And because I want to share my gifts with the world so that all of you can also be successful, I present to you my seven steps to singing a successful concert.
1) Hydrate in Advance – Your body needs lots of water, and it can’t just take it in all at once at the last minute. Start the day before, making sure to get plenty of fluids into your system, and then, on the day of the concert, just spend all day chugging water.
2) Pee Before You Go on Stage – You have been drinking water for two days straight now. For goodness sake, please use the restroom before the concert starts!
3) Realize You Have to Pee as Soon as You Get on Stage – If things are going well, you will have to pee again immediately after taking the stage, despite having just peed moments before. This is normal. With all that water in your body, emptying your bladder once just won’t cut it. Your backup bladder will also be full and will drain into your primary bladder as soon as you take your opening bow. This is your motivation to get through to the intermission.
4) Sing With the Intensity of a Raging River Flowing Into a Waterfall – Now that your entire being is in a state of panic and your bladder is on fire, you can begin singing like you really mean it. Your passions have never been more real or palpable, and you can really connect with the audience this way, because most of them have to pee too.
5) Pee During Intermission – Now that you have made it through the first half of the show, you can finally get that relief that you have been desperately needing, freeing your mind up to prepare for whatever you have to sing in the second half of the program.
6) Drink Another Gallon of Water – You have to stay hydrated! All of the peeing, and thinking about peeing, that you have been doing has completely dried your throat out. It is full of tickles and phlegm. Start guzzling water again so that you are ready to return to the stage refreshed and vocally clear.
7) Sing the Last Half of the Concert With Your Legs Crossed – Why did you drink more water at intermission? What did you think was going to happen, genius? Well, it’s too late now, so just sing what you can and try to hold it until the end of the show. Just make sure the bows are quick.
If you follow these rules, as I always do, you are practically guaranteed to have a huge success and a great concert. This secret method has never failed me yet, and I know it will work for you. Break a leg everyone!