5 Things You Should Know About My Wife

1) She Is Not As Tall As She Thinks She Is
If you ever ask my wife how tall someone is, and she tells you that they are the same height as she is, you can be reasonably assured that they are taller than her.  She often thinks that she and I are the same height, or at least close in height, even though I am 5 inches taller.  Apparently this is due to the fact that she was always the tallest kid in school until somewhere around the 6th grade when she stopped growing and everybody else kept going.  All of those years of knowing that she was the tallest have left her with the very amusing condition of still thinking she is the tallest, so when she tries to tell you somebody else’s height, just take that into account.

2) The Madder She Gets, The Funnier She Gets
I must warn you up front that this is never a good thing to point out to her while it is happening,

3) She Is Not Aloof, Just A Little Introverted
I have to clear up this misconception for all of you that don’t know her very well.  Often times people get confused and think that just because she is not in-your-face outgoing/obnoxious like other people around that she may or may not be married to, that she is not interested in being social.  This is completely not the case, and is possibly not the case with many other people you know that you think are stuck-up because they never talk to you.  Our culture does not reward introverts, and I confess that being in the performing arts I don’t work with many of them, but they are cool people too.  It might just take more than one conversation to get to know them.  And actually, my wife is far more likely to talk to a stranger on an airplane, or chat it up with people in the grocery store than I am.  She just does it calmly.

4) She Is Always Right
I don’t mean this in the “ha ha, husbands must always submit to their wives because wives are crazy,” kind of way.  I mean this in the, “she is actually always right,” kind of way.  She reads a lot.  She knows a lot of things.  She has amazing spacial awareness and a keen memory for details.  Don’t even try to get into an argument with her.  I can count on my fingers the number of times in the past 16 years that we have both really dug our heels in on something and I have been correct.  In fact, I can remember most of those times.  I have to hold on to them; they’re all I have.  Those few times that I have been right will need to be cited in the future in defense of some preposterous thing that I am saying and completely believe to be true, even though my wife is probably right.  “But remember that time I knew which exit to take!  I was right then and I am right now!” I can say proudly, even as I am being proven wrong.

5) Today Is Her Birthday
So if you see her around today, say “Happy Birthday!” to her as loudly as possible.  And if you want to hang out, I would like to invite every single one of my readers to come out to Bread and Butter Farm tonight for burger night and some birthday fun.  And if some of you have other plans, that’s cool, but I will still expect a few hundred of you to show up.