No means no, yes? This is what we are attempting to impress upon our young men and women as they enter the world of adult relationships and interactions. But no, in fact, doesn’t always mean no. Sometimes no means yes, and this is the argument that many have used over the years to justify their actions. Her mouth said no, but her eyes said yes. Or her dress said yes. Or some other part of her said yes. Teasing is sometimes a legitimate part of flirting, so there are actual cases where no does mean yes. But how to tell the difference?
Well, now we have these new “Yes means yes” rules popping up, so, regardless of whether or not you think her hips don’t lie, if her lips don’t say yes, you’d better stop what you’re doing. Does that work? Can you still be flirty and say no, and then whisper a yes at the end to let your partner know that, ha ha, you were just kidding all those other times you said no? This is all very confusing, and thank goodness I am married and don’t have to navigate much of this anymore.
But I do have to worry about it, because I have a daughter. And, maybe more importantly, I have a son. I have to teach them both something about the world, and how to live in it, and I have to instill in them the most basic fundamentals of respect for other human beings, and that they don’t have a right to do anything to anyone else’s body without explicit permission. And I can say those things over and over again, but what happens when I don’t live it? What happens when my actions disprove my rhetoric?
I was wrestling with my son the other day, giving him some tickles, and he was telling me to stop, but I knew he didn’t mean it, so I kept on tickling him. In fact, when I did stop, he came running back over for more tickling. We were both laughing and having a great time, with him shrieking for me to stop, with a big smile on his face, and me continually grabbing him and running my fingers all over his little body. It wasn’t until later that I had the epiphany. No didn’t mean no. We both knew it. I had just taught him that there are times when someone is touching you, and you say no, but you want them to keep going. And it was all in good fun. What have I done?
I wonder what would happen if no really meant no. How would it affect the game if, when he told me to stop, I just stopped. Body frozen. Hands down at my side. Serious expression.
“Daddy! More tickles!”
“But you said stop, so I stopped.”
“No, more!”
“Okay!” And launch back into it. More tickling and laughing. But if he says “no” or “stop” again, same thing. What if my four-year-old son learned that whenever you said no, it was taken very seriously? What if, right from the day he was born, he learned through example that his body belonged to him, and no one else had a right to touch it, unless he had something on his face and I needed to use spit to scrub it off? How would that work? Would he find other ways to express himself? Would new words or phrases creep into the game? Or would it just ruin the fun and end the game, because if you can’t say fake no, then what’s the point? I don’t know, but I think I’d like to find out.
And I’m not talking about all things, lest you think I am extremely permissive, which I sometimes am but mostly am not. If I instruct him to eat his peas, and he says “NO!” it does not mean he eats a chocolate cake and then watches TV until midnight. There are rules that we follow in the house, and saying no to the rules does not get you out of them. But what if one of the rules were complete and total respect for other people’s bodies? And what if we enforced those rules with regards to ourselves too? What kind of world would we create, if our sons and daughters knew from day one that if someone touched their bodies and they said “no,” that it really meant “no,” and that it would stop immediately? I’d like to think it would carry over into the rest of their lives.
Maybe I am an optimist. Or maybe this has already been tried and disproven, and I really should google things before I post about them. But I’m going to do it, and I’d encourage you to do the same. Let me know what happens. What is the reaction when your kids see you listening to their words, instead of trying to read their bodies? How does it change the game? How does it change your relationship? Or doesn’t it? Either way, I’m curious. I’m going to give it a shot though (realizing that it may be harder to change my behavior than I might hope), and I’ll let you know what I find out.