It all started with another one of Edward’s scams. We were at the grocery store, and there was a machine that dispensed toys for the paltry price of two quarters. I did not have two quarters, and Edward and I were having words about it. Things were especially bad because there was another little boy at the machine purchasing a toy for two quarters, and so the crushing unfairness of life was pressing down hard. And yet, no matter how much he pleaded, two quarters did not appear in my pocket.
“I’ll give you two quarters,” said the little boy at the machine. Ah ha! Life’s unfairness had been dealt a crushing blow of its own. Edward grabbed the change eagerly and thrust it into the machine.
“Are you going through my purse?” the boy’s mother asked, suddenly paying attention. She saw the pilfered coins go into the machine as my son purchased a toy for himself with stolen money. I apologized to the boy’s mother, but it was too late. There were no quarters. There was only a new toy. We sneaked out of the store and headed off to pick his sister up from her Irish Step class. Edward was very excited to show her his new toy. And then they had the following conversation in the back seat.
Edward: “Look at my new toy!”
Ruby: “Ew! Don’t put your toys in your mouth! That’s gross! Daddy! Edward has toys in his mouth!”
Edward: “But I like toys in my mouth! Do you want to put my toy in your mouth?”
Ruby: “No. Gross.”
Edward: “Do you want to hold my toy?”
Ruby: “No, I have plenty of toys at home.”
Edward: “I wish I had some toys.”
Ruby: “Edward, we can share them! They are everyone’s toys!”
Edward: “But I want my own toys!”
Ruby: “Why don’t you just play with the toys you have?”
Edward: “Yeah, I love to play with my toys. I love my new one too. I am going to play with all of my toys when we get home!”
Ruby: “Fine, just don’t put them in your mouth.”
So this was sort of the conversation that they had. I almost didn’t post it, because of how inappropriate it was, but then my friend Tart Comma had an excellent idea. He suggested I switch out the offending word. And so I did. The machine did not sell toys, or rather it did, but it specifically sold high bouncing balls. If you would like to find out why I almost drove off the road from laughing, please go back and re-read this post, but replace every instance of the word “toy” with the word “ball.” And if you have more delicate sensibilities, than don’t.