While speaking with Bleric Ack the other day, it came to light that he had to write reviews for some of his employees, and he was not looking forward to it. Most people, as I’m sure you are aware, are thoroughly fine, which makes writing their reviews quite boring. And, unless you have a personal vendetta against them, writing a bad review for someone slightly under fine is no fun at all. There are a few exceptional people who not only love their jobs but are also amazing at them, and these reviews can be enjoyable to write, but none of those people work for you and so the annual review process can be quite tedious. Until now!
I am excited to announce that I am now offering a service to lazy or bored managers who just don’t want to write these dull reports on their average employees. For only $50 per employee, I will write an amazingly accurate review of any of your subordinates, without needing any information at all on them! I know, I know, it sounds impossible, but believe me, I have had a lot of training in this area and you will not be disappointed.
To convince you of my reviewing prowess I am providing you with a few free samples below, all created by Bleric and myself, so that you will see what kind of product you will be getting. Feel free to use any of these sample reviews free of charge, so you can see for yourself just how useful they are!
“I’ve never met anyone more adequate.”
“While their job skills leave much to be desired, their ninja skills are out of this world!”
“If I had to describe them in just one word, that word would be ‘human.'”
“Since no one else is willing to do their job, I guess they’ll do.”
“When I think of all the people that do their job, they are definitely one of those people.”
“In all my years of working, I’ve never come across anyone who has their same exact fingerprints.”
“One of the things that has always struck me about them is how often I see them here at work. It seems like they come in at least five days a week. That’s dedication.”
“In terms of workload, I don’t believe they have ever spilled coffee onto any of theirs.”
“If I had to pick anyone in the office to do their job, they would definitely be in the top three.”
“They have a lot more experience doing the job now than they did when I hired them.”
“I have interacted with them on multiple occasions, and never once did they stop breathing.”
And these are just samples! Your actual review will be up to three sentences, and will include personal facts about the employee, such as their name and place of business. And if you are still not convinced, from now until Christmas I am offering a two for one deal. That’s right! TWO reviews for only $50! Act now, and get those pesky end-of-year reviews done in no time at all! Please make all checks out to “Bleric Ack/Tenordad Multipurpose Analysis Notes” or B.A.T.M.A.N.