A Sad Story That My Wife Finds Funny

So I was on my way to my brother-in-law’s house to watch the Super Bowl, and I asked him if he needed any snacks.  He told me that he was good with the snackage, and had plenty of beer, but was light on the soda.  Since you all know that I do not drink beer, obviously I grabbed two cans of Coke out of the fridge and headed out.

When I arrived at his house, in rural, poorly lit Vermont, at around 8 pm, I grabbed the Cokes and put one into each of my two coat pockets.  It is a long, thick, trench-style winter coat with sizable pockets, so the cans fit easily.  I got out of my car in the dark, proceeded to jog toward his house, and tripped over the first step of his walkway and fell flat onto my face.

Now, as if this was not insulting and injurious enough, I landed pretty much directly onto the two cans of Coke that I had placed in my pockets, and they did what soda cans are wont to do when you throw them onto the ground and then crush them immediately with over two hundred pounds of tenor; they exploded.

Not only did they explode, but they somehow rocketed out of my pockets and onto the walkway in front of my face, spraying Coke all over me and my nice long, thick winter coat.  One of the cans spun around and around in a circle spraying me over and over again in the face, while the other wobbled to a resting place and shot Coke at least four feet up in the air like a fountain, where the wind distributed it over the top of me.  I tried to get to my feet and stop this from happening, but there’s not much you can do when faced with this situation, other than to fumble wildly at the cans, cursing and sputtering and trying to get closer to them while getting wetter and stickier with each step.  So that’s what I did.

Now, before you laugh hysterically and uncontrollably at this situation, my wife style, I would ask you to visualize this sad picture.  There I am, excited and ready to watch the Super Bowl with my friends, and I am suddenly covered in wet, sticky soda.  It is freezing out, my nice coat now needs to be dry cleaned, and worst of all, I have no Coke!  It is a catastrophe.  I had to suck half a Coke out through the side of one of the cans in order to have any at all!  What?  I don’t have a problem.

I think we can all agree that this is a very sad story, and not funny at all, so please mention this fact to my wife the next time you see her.  And if you don’t know her, she is the one still laughing.