Babyproofing Services Available

This weekend, after the recital, and the circus, the family and I headed down to the D.C./Baltimore area to see a couple of friends and have a nice hectic relaxing weekend doing fun stuff.  One of our first stops was my friend Tracy’s house, to say hello before she gives birth to her first child, which could possibly be any second, but will probably be in another week or three.

As usual, one of the first things I said when we arrived was something along the lines of, “Let me watch Edward so he doesn’t destroy anything.”  No, no, I was assured that the house had been somewhat babyproofed, and that there wasn’t really anything he could break.  What happened over the next hour or two gave me a great idea.  We could rent Edward out to people for the purposes of finding out just how babyproofed their houses are!  This would be an invaluable service, I’m sure.  You don’t want to use your own baby, because when it somehow climbs up your cabinet and shatters Aunt Ethyl’s priceless antebellum pottery all over the living room floor, you need to still be able to love your baby afterwards.  That’s where we would come in!

Well, anyway, the first thing that Edward did was to grab the long (and delicate looking) speaker that was sitting in front of the television and throw that on the ground.  I quickly apologized, put it back where it was, and told Edward not to do that anymore, because there’s nothing more helpful than telling a 19-month-old boy not to do something, especially in a language they don’t understand, like grown-up.

Edward, not at all dismayed by the sudden lack of speakers to play with, went right over to a shelf, grabbed a rather sturdy looking animal statue of some sort, and broke the leg off of it.  “Oh, it’s okay,” said Tracy sadly, “I can always glue that.  Here, he can play with these cars.”  She brought out several cars of different types, ranging from hot wheels to what looked like assembled model cars.  Edward loves cars, so he immediately picked up the largest and most fragile of them all, and smashed it onto the ground into a million pieces.

Tracy was now accumulating quite a pile of things to be glued, so we tried to steer him away from shelves and tables.  We moved the coffee table out so that he could have a bigger area to play in, so of course he stuck to the edges of the room, now finding a beaded walking stick that had been purchased in Africa.  He started banging it as hard as he could onto the beautiful hardwood floors, so I grabbed it away from him, and while I was trying to find somewhere to hide it, he went for the shoes.

He put on a pair of rather large shoes belonging to Tracy’s husband, and starting clomping around the living room in them, stopping only long enough to start pulling more things off of the shelf.  What finally distracted him long enough for us all to have an adult conversation was a bowl of change that he found.  He loved to pick the change up and let it run through his fingers, and he loved to bring different coins over to us to show off.  I swear if we’d had a money bin big enough, he would have been swimming in it.

So now Tracy has learned firsthand the cardinal rules of decorating with a baby in mind.
1) Do not ever put anything of any kind on a shelf
2) If you own something that was bought on another continent, put it in storage for 18 years
3) This is why you can’t have nice things.

If you are expecting your first child, give us a call.  Edward and I would be happy to come over and show you just how much destruction a toddler can do to your living space.  All fees negotiable.  Tenor Dad & Son cannot be held liable for any damage that may occur during consultations.

Posted in Bad Parenting, Edward, Parenting.

One Comment

  1. Thanks for helping me understand the destruction I found at home! If you launch that babyproofing service, we’ll be angel investors – we can use all of the change we have in the bowl of change!
    -Tracy’s husband

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.