When you buy an old car at a low price, you know that it is not a long-term investment. My mother, I assume through her vast network of underworld connections, has somehow managed to purchase a continuing string of vehicles for $500 each. These cars are terrible. Sometimes the wheels fall off on the highway […]
Category Archives: Grammy
The Year We Stole Our Christmas Tree
To be fair, we didn’t mean to steal our Christmas tree. It wasn’t like we went out with the intention of celebrating the joyous season of giving and love by committing acts of theft and villainy, but if you have ever tried to do anything with my mother, you know that things generally do not […]
My Mother, the Zoo Animal
You see, we really needed to find a bathroom. My eldest child was, at the time, my brand new first and only child, and we were at the National Zoo with my mother, who had not yet been christened “Toy Grammy,” and so was still just “Grammy.” I don’t know how we got off of […]
Either Someone Died or My Mother Is Really Annoying
Like all people, every now and again I need to rant about my mother in a public forum that she will read about later. This is one of those times. So my wife and I were on our date Friday night, going to see the movie “Argo.” This is a very fine film, by the […]
Shut Up, Grammy!
While I was away in New York auditioning last week, my two-year-old son Edward was staying with Toy Grammy. He likes to go to Toy Grammy’s house, generally because it contains lots of toys. I often drop him off right at the train table, and pick him up in the same spot. Sometimes I wonder […]
Family Camping Trip: A Disaster in Three Parts
DISASTER ONELast year we borrowed my mother’s tent and took the family camping for a night, and Ruby loved it so much that she spent an entire year asking when we could go again. Well, this summer we went again, and now that I have recovered from the trauma, I can finally discuss it. It […]
Sausage Gravy
A while back I stole my mother’s recipe box so that I could scan a bunch of recipes and learn to make all the foods I loved as a child. So obviously the recipe box sat next to my scanner for months until my mother finally complained loudly enough for me to actually get the […]
Get Me to the Church on Time
Today I bring you two stories, each of someone attempting to get to the church on time. After you read both stories, I hope you will realize that no matter how crazy my life is, and no matter how many ridiculous situations I find myself in, I will never top my mother in the chaos […]
My Mother Is Dead in Maine
Let me begin by assuring you that my mother is alive and well, although some people find this hard to believe. In fact, even when presented with seemingly incontrovertible evidence, such as meeting her in person, some people find this hard to believe. I say this because of a few strange encounters at my father’s […]
Halloween Prep
Ruby is going to be Mickey Mouse this year for Halloween. Not Minnie Mouse obviously. Her favorite show is called MICKEY Mouse Clubhouse. Mickey is the star of the show, so why would she want to dress up as his little girlfriend? I see her point, and at her age she doesn’t see anything odd […]