How to Tell If You Are Old

Dear readers, I have become old. I did not previously know this, but after spending last night out with my high school buddy Crew Darlson, it suddenly became clear to me. How had I not noticed before? I was very clearly old! Then it occurred to me that some of you out there might also not know if you are old or not, so I am providing this handy list of telltale signs that you are, in fact, older than you think.

– You wander around looking for a cool place to go, but everywhere seems too loud.

– Your biggest concern when searching for a hot night area is what sort of appetizers they might have.

– You can’t actually order any of the appetizers because eating after ten will keep you up all night with heartburn.

– All the “oldies” that the kids ate singing at the karaoke machine, you’re pretty sure are your favorite songs from the current era last time you checked.

– When performing karaoke yourself, you must make sure to get your glasses so you can read the lyrics on the screen.

– You get all annoyed when the lady running karaoke tells you that there are no books to look through because everything is digital now.

– You are almost certain that all of the super hot drunk girls in the bar are in high school, and you wonder if someone should call their parents.

– You look at your watch at midnight and wonder if you shouldn’t be getting to bed soon.

– You are wearing a watch.

– You tell stories from the good old days, and realize that you will never do things so awesome and stupid again.

These are just some of the many ways that will let you know that you are getting old. And now that I have woken up after staying out until almost 3 am, I have a whole new list of ways to tell, but I am too sore and groggy to write them.