How to Write a Successful Opera

Yesterday I gave you a few tips on writing a traditional opera, but as I am sure you have now realized, that is neither possible nor lucrative.  Instead, you should focus on how to write a successful opera that people will enjoy for years to come.  It’s easy and anyone can do it!

1) It Should Be Written By Green Day or U2
This is the easy part of writing an opera.  Green Day and U2 love writing operas, but people only want to hear their rock music.  They are waiting at home by the phone right now, hoping someone will call and ask them to write an opera.  Just look them up in the phone book and give them a call.  If they are not available, you will have to settle for Justin Bieber.

2) Have a Lot of Intermissions
Everybody knows that you don’t make any money from ticket sales.  Concessions is where the real profit is hiding!  Since you are writing a successful opera, and since success is measured solely by money, the best thing to do is to write a seven or eight act opera, with intermissions between every act.  If you can get a 2-1 ratio of intermission to opera, that would be optimal.  Remember, intermissions are when people buy the booze necessary to make it through the rest of your terrible show.  Not that every show is terrible, I’m just assuming that yours is because you are taking composing tips from a blog.

3) Make ’em Laugh
Nobody wants to drive home from an expensive night out bemoaning their fate, or wiping away running mascara as they sob into a hanky.  No, people want to be entertained.  They want to feel happy and amused!  Make sure your opera is filled with hilarious jokes and one-liners.  Include a lot of pratfalls and pies in the face.  Basically make it as low-brow as possible.  Those snooty “traditional opera” folks will be next door weeping over the fate of Carmen, Tosca, Mimi, Violetta, while your audience will be snorting beer out of their noses.  Also, try to throw in some profanity.

4) It Should Be in English
Do you speak English?  No? Then how are you reading this?  Oh, someone is reading it for you and translating?  Hmmm.  Well, that’s not my point!  My point is, your audience probably speaks English, so if you want the show to be successful, it should be in a language they will understand.  Now this is just for a normally successful opera, mind you.  If you want your opera to be the most successful opera of all time ever in recorded history, you should write it in Na’vi.

5) You Should Base it on a Popular Film or Television Show
My last, and most important point is this: If Broadway has taught us anything lately, it’s that people will go see anything if it based on something they already like.  This is wonderful news!  It means you can put out pretty much whatever crap you want, and it will be successful, at least short term!  Kung Fu Panda the Opera!  There, I just gave you a million dollar idea.  You’re welcome.

So now you have all the tools you will need to be a successful opera composer.  I hope you will all put these tips to good use, and please come see the world premiere of my hilarious new show “Two and a Half Men: The Opera” with music by Lady Gaga.

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