In Which I Try To Cook a Lobster and/or it Escapes

It was school vacation. The children were at my mother’s. My wife had to work late. The perfect opportunity for a grand romantic gesture! What could I do for my amazing life partner? I know! I could make her a nice dinner, the likes of which has never been seen at our house before! I could make her some nice fish, since the kids won’t eat it and I don’t like it either, so she never gets to have it. That would be romantic. OR! I could make lobster! Lobster is so easy! Step 1: put in boiling water. Step 2: wait. Step 3: eat! This was a brilliant idea.

I went to the seafood counter at the supermarket and confessed to the woman in charge that I had never cooked a lobster before, but I was going to try. She assured me that it was as simple as the internet had told me, and that I just had to make sure that I stuck them quickly in the already boiling water and then try not to think about it. Easy enough. I picked out two angry looking fellows and toted them through the aisles as I picked up other key items such as a seafood shell cracker and extra butter.

When I got home I put the lobsters in the refrigerator as directed, and left them there for almost two hours. This caused them to huddle up for warmth and become as small as possible. This, in turn, caused me to pick out a pot that would easily fit two shrunken lobsters inside. I set the water to boiling while I attended to the other parts of the meal. When it was time to put the lobsters in the pot I will admit to being a little nervous, but what could they do? I was a grown man with tools and technology. They were stupid crustaceans with rubber bands around their claws. No contest.

I took the top of my pot and opened the lobster bag. There they were, still moving about slowly. Did I feel guilt for taking another animal’s life for the purposes of eating it? I did not. I grabbed one of them by the shelly back and I brought into the steam as I prepared to thrust it into its doom. It was at this point that the lobster, suddenly warm and awake, stretched out to its full length and width and grabbed the sides of the pot, which was now clearly only large enough to fit half a lobster.

“Get in the pot!” I instructed loudly as I tried to get the beast into the water to no avail. It was having none of it. It was halfway out of the pot and on the road to the ocean. What could I do now? I couldn’t stick my hand in the boiling water. It looked as if this lobster was just going to leave and I would have no romantic dinner for my wife. Then, in a rare bout of quick thinking, I grabbed the kitchen tongs and used them to grab the flailing, pointy half of the creature and got it into the pot. Slamming the lid down as hard as I could, I held it tightly shut until the whole thing started boiling over out the sides and I was forced to let go. Peeking inside I saw that the lobster seemed to be finally cooking away, and taking up most of the pot in the process. Now it was time to get the second one in there.

The second lobster, having seen the valiant struggle that it’s former cellmate had just put up, and having seen the outcome, had much less fight in it. Resigned to a delicious end, lobster number two only spread itself out about half as much, and I got it into the pot pretty quickly. But it did not go all the way into the water. The water was not high enough. The pot was not big enough. Panicking, I saw the boiling pot of water that contained the corn-on-the-cob that I had romantically managed to procure in February, and I grabbed it, pouring an extra boiling waterfall down into the lobster pot and onto the second lobster.

At this point the pot is so full of water that boiling over is a foregone conclusion, and various antennae are sticking out from various spots around the lid. I try to use the tongs to get all of the lobster bits into the pot area, but it is no use. At least all of the main eating parts were in there. After the allotted time was up, I checked on the lobsters. They were red and yummy looking, with no more escape attempts going on. This was excellent news, as I was now completely exhausted.

My wife was very excited and appreciative when she saw the very romantic dinner that was on the table. The evening went very well from that point on, and I think the lobsters made a good impression. And you know, I would do it again. But next time, we’re gonna need a bigger pot.

Posted in Cooking, Food, Lobster, Misadventures.

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