Even before I had children, I couldn’t wait to become a father. I don’t know if it was a biological imperative, or if I just really loved hanging out with kids, but there was never a question in mind as to whether or not I wanted some of my own. I wanted some. I wanted to pass on all of my knowledge and stories and DNA. And I was really, really looking forward to sharing the things that I loved with new people. Clearly I was young and stupid.
Look, before you yell at me and explain to me that when we share, we all benefit, I will agree with you. There are certain things that are not diminished when shared. Watching “Ghostbusters” for the first time with my daughter, and seeing her love it as much as I do, now that was what I became a parent for. Reading Harry Potter to her, watching “The Muppet Show” with her, yes! Sharing these things takes nothing away from me. But overall, I have found that sharing with my children is mostly a losing proposition.
I remember when I would be able to bring home a box of Little Debbie Fudge Rounds and stuff them all into my own personal face without worrying about any of them disappearing into any other faces. But then, oh woe is me, then I decided that I should introduce my children to the delicious ambrosia that is the fudge round, and now when I bring home three of them, I only get one. That is bad math. And it’s not just the fudge rounds!
Remember when your kids were in diapers? Okay, well nobody sane misses diapers, but now that I have to share the bathroom between four people, instead of just two, it makes me wish we had a second one. And Ruby has started taking showers! For now she is taking them at night, but I don’t know if our hot water can take three in a row if she eventually wants to shower in the morning! I can’t share all that hot water! I will be cold and dirty!
The older the kids get, the closer we are to having four adults in this apartment. It’s no good. The kids watch the TV when I want to watch it. They eat the snacks that I brought home for myself. They are like miniature versions of myself, swarming through the house consuming all of the things that I love! And I did this! I introduced them to all of it! Why did I think sharing my passions with my children was a good thing?! Now I am six episodes behind on “Once Upon a Time” because I can’t watch it without Ruby, and she goes to bed at 8:00! This is a disaster.
Dear young humans, if you are thinking about having children because you want to share everything you love with them, be warned. This could happen to you. One day you are eating a whole pint of Ben & Jerry’s, and the next day you are eating 1/4 of a pint. Or no pints, because you come home to find the whole thing gone before you even get to have any. Being a parent is not all sunshine and rainbows. It’s more like half a sunshine, and the leftover crumbs of a rainbow all over the couch. You have been warned.