We’ve all been there. Trying to buy one small item, and stuck at the back of a line of the slowest, most obnoxious people imaginable. These people (probably) are not trying to ruin your day, or make you late for something. They are (probably) fine human beings with families that love them, and they may even be making a positive contribution to this world that we all share. But that is when they are not at the store. At the store, they are horrible. And they may not even realize it! In fact, we may be horrible sometimes too! So to avoid this fate, and for the good of all humanity, please let’s all agree to never buy these five annoying things.
5) Stuff You Cannot Physically Lift
This is no good. We are all standing there, waiting in line patiently, while you make the cashier come around and lift the 40 lb bag of cat food out of your cart. First of all, yes, the store should have a wireless and/or handheld scanning device in this day and age, but that is not really required and you shouldn’t assume it. But secondly, and most importantly of all, how the heck did you even get that thing into your cart if you cannot lift it?! I am envisioning you, standing in the cat food aisle, whacking at the bags of food on the top shelf with a broom that you got from two aisles over, until one of the bags topples into your cart. Is that how you did it? Maybe you should buy the smaller bag of cat food. Maybe you don’t need a 36-pack of wine. Do you really need the biggest pumpkin they have? I know, I know. It is your right to buy those things, and weak people should be able to purchase heavy things. But it is annoying. Also, how are you going to get it from your car to your house? Is someone there helping you? Where are they right now? I need them.
4) 100 of Something
There is no situation in which this is not annoying, but this gets bonus points if you are doing it in the express lane. It’s obnoxious enough to watch you slowly load single-serve yogurt after single-serve yogurt onto the belt, without also having the 12 items or less restriction. Yes, I know that it should read “12 Items or Fewer,” but poor grammar is no excuse to disregard the rules. You know what they meant. And if you want to play semantics, the sign does not say “types of item,” or “items with the same barcode.” No, it says items. And you purchase 9 things, but one hundred of each of them, that is not 9 items. That is 900 items. You are bad at math and reading. You are slightly less annoying if you put one of each of the items up and say “100 of each of them,” to the cashier so they can hit 100x before scanning each thing. But only slightly. If you need 100 of it, go to Costco.
3) Anything Without a Bar Code or a Price Tag
Don’t give me that look. You knew there was no price on that item. Now we are in a “price check” situation, in which everyone has to wait and smileglare at you politely while we all stand around watching our ice cream melt. Do you know who they make do price checks? The new employees who have no power or authority, because nobody wants to do your annoying price check. And hey! Do you know who is least likely to be able to quickly find an item and make an informed price decision about it? New employees. If there is a price nearby, but not specifically on your item, take a picture with your phone. Or move stickers around if you reallyreallyreally want the only kiwi without one stuck to it. Come on. Be a friend.
Why are you doing that to your body, dear person?! I care about you, and you clearly know that smoking will kill you and everyone around you, and there are plenty of quitting programs available, and people to help you. I will help you. Personally. I swear I will. I will be your sponsor. Just don’t buy the cigarettes, or any other form of tobacco. Also do not buy them because all of the cigarettes are locked up, maybe behind the counter, or maybe on the other side of the store. And maybe the cashier has the keys, or maybe they need a manager. And maybe they know what you are mumbling about, and maybe they don’t, so it often takes several tries before they retrieve your preferred brand and style. Pointing doesn’t help either. Saying, “No, over a few more, no, the red ones, no, up a row…” also does not help. The cashier does not know what you are talking about, because the cashier is not familiar with the various types and brands of cigarettes, because the cashier probably does not smoke, because people don’t smoke that much anymore, and neither should you. I would rather have my day held up by someone needing a price check than someone trying to buy poison that they will later blow into my air and then throw the flaming litter onto my windshield as I drive home.
1) Lottery Tickets
This is, by far, the worst of them all. You’re not going to win you know. And watching you pick out your scratchers, one by one, is excruciating. I’ve got places to be. And if you are playing some sort of game where you need to pick numbers… RAGEATTACK! Why is there not a separate line for this?! Or a place where you can go pick out your numbers while the rest of us get stuff done? Why are you in front of me at the customer service desk when all I really want is a roll of quarters for my laundry? You seem like you have done this before; why don’t you know which numbers you want to play already?! Just pick some numbers! You are not going to win anyway! Say the numbers faster! Stop saying numbers! No, none of us remember when your grandson’s birthday is! ARGH! HADOUKEN!
And so, in conclusion, do not ever buy any of those things for any reason, ever. Thank you.