I would like to take a moment to discuss with you what have come to believe with utmost certainly are the worst toys every mass produced for the children of the general public. I am referring, of course, to Silly Bandz. If you have children, you have (or at least have heard of) these “toys.” But I don’t want you to think I am just being a hater. I have put a lot of thought into what makes or does not make a good toy, and have applied these criteria broadly across a wide spectrum of children’s playthings. The results are irrefutable.
1) You Can’t Play With Them
Now, I don’t claim to know a whole lot about kids today, or what constitutes fun for them, but I’m pretty sure the point of toys is to be played with. “Now Tenordad,” you are saying, “Silly Bandz are not toys, they are accessories.” Well, that is just false. That’s like saying a slap bracelet is not a toy. They sell it in toy stores to little kids. It’s a toy.
2) They Don’t Look Like Anything
The point of these Silly Bandz (or at least they way they get you to buy thousands of them) is that they are all different shapes. That is the “silly” part I suppose. They come in every shape from water buffalo to Snow White. But the thing is, they all kind of look like deformed amoebas. None of them in any way resemble the items that are advertised on the package. So you can’t play with them, and they appear misshapen and deformed. Sounds like a pretty bad toy, right? But wait….
3) They Have the Durability of a Twizzler
These things are very poorly made. I mean, basically they are rubber bands, only instead of a nice strong round shape, they come in crooked, twisted shapes with lots of odd corners and angles, perfect for snapping in half. Just trying to get one on your wrist (which is the end game of this “fun” item) often results in it breaking, your three-year-old crying, and you having to buy more Silly Bandz! WHY!? What evil, extremely rich, sicko came up with this toy?! You can’t play with them, they do not appear as advertised, and they break all the time! So naturally….
4) They Are the Most Popular Toy on Earth
Some schools have banned the bandz, due to violence. Kids are fighting over these things! They wear them all the way up to their elbows! They are the prison cigarettes of our public schools! I don’t mean to be an alarmist, but this is just disturbing. I could understand kids fighting over something cool, like Thundercats action figures, but attacking each other over the worst toy ever produced?! No wonder the economy is down! People are losing hope for the future of our country, and rightfully so! Someday, the president of the United States of America will be someone who, at one point, probably purchased or traded Silly Bandz.
But my goal is not to judge, or to point fingers. I am but a humble public servant, who has used concrete scientific data to answer the age old question, “What is the worst toy ever?” You may do what you like with these findings. I, for one, am going to go get some Spider-Man Silly Bandz and see how far I can shoot them across the room.
Hahahahahaha! I concur! 🙂