In these troubled times of Snapchat harassment, Facebook stalkers, catfishing, and stolen identities, we parents are more concerned than ever as to how to keep our children safe online. It is doubly a worry then for we bloggers, who put information about our children online all the time. How can we protect them? We’ve all heard stories of employers googling their potential new hires, seeing that their dads once wrote an embarrassing blog post about how they would not clean their room once when they were seven, and then not only refused to hire them based on this damning evidence, but also called all of their employer friends and convinced them all to avoid this poor unfortunate individual. Yes, this type of thing happens every day. But what can we do about it?
Well, for many of us it is too late. Like Vegas, what happens on the internet stays on the internet. There is no erasing it. Some parents refuse to put pictures of their children online, but is that really enough? Some parents refuse to use their children’s names online, instead calling them such nicknames as “Boy 1,” “Beast Mode,” or “Middle Finger.” But does that really work? No. Everyone still knows who you are talking about. Because you are you. So to combat this, some people don’t even use their own names online. They use made up names like “Nhoj Htims,” “B. Squiggle,” and “Lady Gaga.” But if someone really wants to find you, they will probably find you. Sorry, Stefani. You are not fooling anyone under all of that meat.
So faced with this impossible task of protecting your children from evil employers, pervy neighbors, and kidnapping pirates, how then can you sufficiently hide your child’s identity online? Well, there is only once surefire way to do it. You need to give them a famous name. My name, for instance, is also the name of a professional hockey player. It is also the name of a German electronics company apparently. So if you google my specific name, which I will not tell you here for reasons of 1) to protect my children, and 2) you already know it, you will not find me. You will find pictures of a hockey player, or possibly a sound board. Ha ha! I am hidden away! Now, yes, if you put the word “tenor” in front of my name, which I have just now legally changed to “B. Squiggle,” then you will probably find a picture of me. My name is not quite famous enough for full protection. So with your children, you will want to go bigger.
If you want your children to be google-proof, I would recommend naming them “Harry Potter.” No one will ever google “Harry Potter” and find a picture of your child. I guarantee it. No matter how many pictures you put up online with your child’s name and face all over them, future employers will come up empty handed. If you are having a girl, might I recommend the name “Elsa From Frozen.” If your last name is not “Frozen” or “Potter,” I would advise changing it immediately.
Other potential names for your children include “Barack Obama,” “Oprah Winfrey,” “Princess Leia,” and “Batman.” Parents, please, do the right thing. Protect your children by giving them a name so famous that no one will ever find it. And yes, it may be that suddenly everyone in your child’s class is named “Donald Trump,” but actually that makes it even better! If all the children of the world had the same name, no one would ever find yours! So take action, pregnant people! Pick out a name that someone famous already has! Name your daughter “Kim Kardashians Butt.” Good luck explaining that google search to HR, evil employer! And if you have already had children and named them something unique, then I’m sorry. It’s too late for them. The whole internet will be at your house to bother you sometime this afternoon. I’ll see you then.