Vote on My Beard For Next Year!

Well, I did it. I shaved off the most massive beard I have ever had. And I don’t regret it per se, but I do sort of miss it in a way. And so, while I am happy to once again look like a muppet salamander, my thoughts have already turned to next year’s beard. Will it be as long as this year’s? Or maybe a different style? I can’t decide. So you can help me!

To make things easier for you, I took some photos as I was shaving yesterday. You know. As a visual aid. So here are your choices for how I ought to look.

Giant Beard

Here I am with my full scraggle. I could probably get it longer and thicker if I wanted to. What do you think? Do you like it?

Big Middle

Here I have trimmed the sides, but left the chin area super long, which I think has the benefit of making my face seem skinnier. Unfortunately I did not go down a pants size by doing this as I had hoped, but people might THINK I had gone down a pants size, which is all that really matters anyway, right?


This was my signature look in college/post-college. It was all the rage back then, but not so much anymore. This is why, when I look at myself with the goatee, I think I look super young. Because it reminds me of when I WAS super young. But other people will probably look at it and think I am super old, because of my outdated sense of facial style. It’s confusing to be aging out of relevance.

Amish Wrestler

I don’t know what to call this one. I’m sure it has a name, right? Like “Metal God” or “Amish Wrestler?” I keep wanting to say “Soul Patch,” but I know what a soul patch is, and this is not it. Anyway, I think I look cool and terrifying, right?

Bald Baby

Or I could just not have any facial hair. Edward says I look like a teenager and keeps grabbing my face. I don’t know if he knows what a teenager looks like. Anyway, this is what I look like now. And remember, I am only asking for opinions on the facial hair. There’s nothing I can do about the actual face. I’ve tried.

So what do you think? What look should I go for next autumn as the chilly winds start to roll in and I indulge in nature’s original scarf? Because honestly I look pretty amazing in every phase. How can I choose?! I can’t. You do it.

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