Everyone has their own habits and routines that they use to help them get ready for the day, and I am no different. Every morning I get up, stumble around angrily, give the children whatever they need, take a shower, jump out of the shower to stop my son from splashing in the toilet, get back in the shower, etc. I am a well oiled machine. I do all that stuff without even thinking about it.
Once we are all up and dressed and fed and out of the toilet, it is probably time to leave the house and go do something. Perhaps we need to run errands or go grocery shopping, or maybe we are just going to the playground or the park. Either way, there is always one thing that I am thinking about as we get ready to head out the door. That thing is: how much do I smell like a diaper?
It is very important to know exactly how much you smell like a nasty diaper before you go out into the world to interact with society. My personal sense of smell is very bad, but even so I always try to give myself a sniff to determine the precise percentage of my smell that is diaperesque. If the answer is 100%, leaving the house is probably a bad idea.
When the percentage of diaper smell on your body exceeds 50%, you probably need to stop and take stock of the situation. Why do you smell so much like a diaper? Have you been peed on recently? Is there a diaper in your hand that you have forgotten to throw away? Are you sitting on a diaper? This is also a good time to check if the smell really is coming from you, or if perhaps your child just needs a new diaper before you go anywhere.
When the percentage of diaper smell on your body is less than 50%, you need to take a closer look at the situation and decide if action needs to be taken. Obviously you are still going to go out, but do you need to expand your personal space bubble so as not to get too close to other people? Or are you going somewhere where there won’t be other people, or where you hate those other people and want them to think you are stinky? And just how bad is the smell anyway? Every parent smells at least 10% like a diaper at all times, but when it starts hitting 40 or 45%, it might call for having a mint in your mouth or spraying yourself with Febreze as you walk out the door.
The important thing is that you attempt to feel like a human being when you are out amongst the others of your kind, and knowing how much you smell like a diaper is a great first step. There may not be anything you can do about it, but at least you will be armed with the information that you need to minimize your impending social faux pas.